♪ An old man turned 98 ♪
♪ He won the lottery ♪
♪ And he died the next day... ♪
What the shit is this?
Why is this on the get-psyched mix?
'Cause I got to throw you a curveball
every now and then or you get bored,
and then the mix doesn't have its intended effect.
No, I want to get revved up, and this song's not doing it.
Oh, really? I defy you to crush this chorus and not get psyched.
Not going to happen.
♪ Don't you think? ♪
♪ It's like rain ♪
♪ On your wedding day ♪
What is it?
♪ It's a free ride ♪
♪ When you already paid ♪ ♪ That you already take ♪
♪ It's the good advice ♪
Help me out!
♪ That you just didn't take ♪
♪ And who would've thought? ♪
♪ You figure ♪
- ♪ Mr. Play It Safe. ♪ - Classic Alanis.
♪ Was afraid to fly... ♪
He was afraid.
Bring it home. Oh, yeah.
Come on, papi. Yes!
- We've got our jam on now. - Jump to it.
It's been a dry June,
and I know it doesn't need to be said out loud,
- but we need this sale. - I am so confident
that we're going to close this thing
that I'm going to order the Pappy Van Winkle.
I know it's pricey, but I want
to spiritually invest in our success.
I'll tell you what, if you didn't order the Pappy,
I'd send your raggedy ass back out to the car
to listen to the get-psyched mix to get your mind right.
We're selling Bob Williams. Been married 16 years.
Wife Karen, one daughter.
You read the first page of the scouting report.
Let me hip you to page two.
Daughter's name is Skyler, big into gymnastics.
And to hear Bob tell it, the kid is aces on the pommel horse.
He don't just tell it, old boy. He likes to show it with pictures.
Everyone's searching for something. Am I right, Bob?
Love. Success.
But what's the one thing that no one can get more of?
Time.
Mmm. And you can't fight it.
Well, you don't have to tell me. I mean, look at my little girl.
How old is Skyler nowdays, Bob?
- Just turned nine in May. - Nine?
- Isn't that something? - She just turned nine.
- Skyler's nine? - Mmm.
Good Lord. How old does that make all of us?
Don't answer that question, Bob.
- Let's move on. - I was about... I was about to answer.
Pretty soon, she's going to be borrowing Karen's makeup,
and you're going to have two beauties on your hands.
Lock the door. It's coming, Bob.
- Double digits. - No way. Is Skyler
still giving them hell on that pommel horse?
- You want to see that photo? - If it's not too much trouble.
Yeah, let me show you Sky, yeah.
- Let's get those eyes on Skyler. - Look at her.
Yeah... yeah, she's really sprouted.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, Skyler's really slimming down.
And I'll tell you what.
- Gorgeous. - She's eating really healthy.
Just mostly fruits and nuts.
- Her choice. - There is no telling what this little girl
on a squirrel diet could end up doing.
Could she win us the gold and make us proud?
- You're damn right she could. - You're damn right.
I have a feeling she's already made you proud.
- Am I right? - Guilty. Guilty, my friend.
Oh, guys, it... it goes so fast.
Oh, it's like a freight train going down the track.
Clickety-clack, clickety-clack. Now she's got a boyfriend.
- Oh. - Guy you like, hopefully.
Clickety-clack, clickety-clack, she's married.
Clickety-clack, she's putting you in a home!
Oh, my God, a home.
She would do it, too.
- I believe that, too. - No, no, she would.
Only when you don't remember who she is.
I'm kidding!
Oh, it feels good to laugh about Alzheimer's.
You can't control time.
No.
But... you can manage it.
- Mmm. - Bob...
the Chronoshock Aught Thirteen.
Carpe diem.
These babies will fly off your shelf.
Now, I know that you've moved up to having six stores,
so you're probably going to want to have
a little larger order than you did last year.
You're kidding, right?
Your... your business has... been folded.
- I'm sorry? - No, no, no, no, Bob,
there has been some chatter.
The last few years have been rough.
But come on, who hasn't felt the pinch?
Yeah. They didn't tell you, did they?
Look...
I thought you guys just wanted to grab dinner
- for old times' sake, but, uh... - Yeah.
Your company is closed.
I hate to be the one telling you that.
Honestly, I know that I can't buy the watches
because your company doesn't exist anymore,
but I wish I could.
I mean, that's how good you guys are.
One round of Pappy Van Winkle.
Enjoy, gentlemen.
Oh... wow.
That is expensive stuff.
You know, Bob, uh... do you mind, uh...
- just going Dutch? - You don't have to say any more.
I got it. I'm doing this. Let me do this.
I'm saying let's slice the pie three ways, honestly.
- If you don't mind. - No, that-that-that's silly.
That's silly. I'm doing really, really...
really well right now, and you guys are not.
- But, Bob, I can... - At all.
Let me do this.
But let's just split it. Let's go Dutch.
- Okay. Okay. - Let's be the three Dutchmen.
Okay, but this Dutchman's going to...
going to pay when he can in a couple weeks.
I hope you understand.
What the fuck, Sammy?
What the fuck, me? What the fuck, you?
Who told you you could barge
into my office without an appointment?
You closed the company?
And then you send us out on a sale
that we really needed
and had Bob Williams drop that bomb on us?
Bob Williams has got a big fucking mouth.
- Yeah, he does. - Look.
You weren't going to get the sale anyway.
Nobody wears a watch anymore.
They just check their goddamn phones.
- Disagree. Cite your sources. - The kids, maybe,
but there's... there's a broader market.
Lorraine, what time is it?
10:26.
One hip, pioneering secretary does not a cultural trend make.
She's 75 years old.
Watches are obsolete, and so are the two of you.
Hey. Obsolete?
What does that even mean?
It means everything's computerized now.
It's cheaper for a machine to tell
these companies what to order than a manufacturer's rep.
They don't need us anymore.
No, people have a deep mistrust of machines.
That's right.
Have you seen Terminator?
- Yep. Mm-hmm. All of them. - Or 2 or 3 or 4?
People want to deal with people, not Terminators.
People hate people.
Times have changed.
That's so negative.
Luckily, I saw this coming, cashed out my retirement,
bought a condo in Miami Beach, new tits for the wife.
Silicone. It's legal again.
- Wow. - Saline's out?
Yeah, me and the old lady are going to be tucked away real nice.
Yeah, great for you, huh?
Perfect.
So, uh, that's it, right?
But what about us, Sammy?
You two were great salesmen-the best-
but at the end of the day, you're grinders, foot soldiers.
We all know you'll never be generals.
And I'm going to say something harsh now.
Now you're going to say something harsh?
Strap it in, boys, 'cause it ain't pretty out there.
And you two are dinosaurs.
Face it.
Where you're going... you've already been.
I thank you for your service.
What are we going to do?
I don't know.
But I got to worry about the now.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to say to Megan.
♪ It's like rain... ♪
No. Let it play.
For the love of God, let it play.
♪ It's a free ride when you've already paid ♪
- Go. - ♪ It's the good advice that you... ♪
Come on, Megan, listen to me. Honey, let's talk about this.
Is this because I'm too unselfish in bed?
Because I can change it around. I'm not going to say it's going to be easy,
but I can do it. Megan, listen to me.
Honey, it's always darkest before the dawn.
No, Billy, it's not. It's actually darkest in the middle of the night.
We have enough on the table here without arguing about proverbs.
Look, I knew things weren't great,
but to come home to a foreclosure sign?
Can we hug it for a second? Can I touch it?
No. No, please.
Okay, listen. That could've been avoided
if the Bob Williams deal didn't go so bad on me.
- You blew the Bob Williams deal? - Well, it's not so much
that I blew the deal as much as the company
just decided to shut down and take our jobs away.
- What? - Come on, listen to me, sweetheart.
I promise you, I can pay for all of this.
It's not about the money, Billy.
This is about you, okay?
You-you talk a big game, but you never do anything about it.
It's like you say that we're going to go to Spain,
- but have I ever been to Barcelona? - "Barthelona."
- Ugh. - And not yet, but we're going.
Vaya con dios, mi amor.
- What? - Porque esta bravo
en Barthelona y fantástico.
No, we are not going to "Barthelona," okay?
We have discussed going to Barthelona,
but we are never going to go to Barthelona.
Not with an attitude like that, we're not.
Oh, God.
Wait, do you even hear yourself?
Yes.
I'm glad that you got to say some of that,
because we're in a relationship, and I'm
just glad that we're both committed to it.
No... do you know how badly I want to believe that, Billy?
Because I've been with you for a long time,
and nothing ever seems to get better.
Honey, you were...
you're such a great guy, but you always figure out
a way to screw things up and let people down.
And, Billy, I love you,
but I'm really tired of being let down.
That's terrible, Nicky.
Are you okay?
I should have gone on my own when I had the chance.
I was so stupid. I was...
Nicky, you did the right thing.
Always got a paycheck, played it smart.
Dad would have been proud.
Well, what would he have been proud of?
I didn't play it smart. I played it safe.
And look where I am now.
Proud?
You're at your nephew's Little League game.
Now, cheer up.
- Okay. - Come on.
- All right, Tate! - All right, here we go, Tate.
Put some wood on it.
He's a great kid.
I keep telling you you'd make a terrific father.
Yep, you do keep telling me that.
Unfortunately, it would require you having
a relationship that lasted longer than three months.
I'm not sure it would require that.
- Let me call Kevin. - Jeanie...
I'm sure your boyfriend's a great guy,
but I'm not ready to work for someone
who spent all of last Thanksgiving
explaining the meaning of his tattoo.
Be reasonable, Nicky.
Take the job.
What else are you going to do?
That's it. Just take the walk, Eagle Eye.
Walk's as good as a hit. Come on.
What is this guy saying? Bullshit.
Nick. Nick!
- A walk's not as good as a hit. - Nick!
It's not as good
as a double or a triple.
It's not as good as a dinger.
Go on, take a big cut, Tate.
Nick!
- Get off the field. - What are you doing?
You call him Eagle Eye to get him not to swing?
Come on, he's 12 years old.
He's got the rest of his life to take a walk.
How about you take a walk, pal, and get off my field?
Just stop calling him Eagle Eye, okay?
Oh, I'm going to call him Eagle Eye.
- Oh, no, you're not. - Yes, I am.
- You're Eagle Eye, you piece of... - No, I'm not.
Huh?
Nick! Get off me!
Go ahead, Tate. Swing!
I'm okay! I'm okay.
Play ball!
Come on, Tate! Swing big!
Read Moneyball, asshole.
Walks are as good as hits.
Just when you think your day
couldn't get any worse, it got worse.
I feel like my day
bent me over, put a ball in my mouth and fucked me bad.
Is it just me, or does life look a lot like those hillbillies
from Deliverance right now?
It's got me over by the tree there,
just told me I had a pretty mouth.
You over, squealing like a pig on all fours. "Whee!"
I'm looking, "Wh-Where's Burt Reynolds with the crossbow?"
He's not coming.
We're there, it's gonna happen.
You're gonna get raped.
You know what it is?
I feel like life's inside of me, just working,
just pushing, just going all after it.
And then, all of a sudden, life pulls out.
But he's gonna scurry up the pillow.
Boom, just explodes right in my fucking mouth.
How are you?
Hey. A cute kid.
How old is she?
She's a boy.
Okay.
Still very attractive.
You know, without pink or Blue,
it's hard to tell, but the features are great.
Maybe... maybe put him in some modeling.
That's what they're going for-
that right-down-the-middle thing.
It's like, how many different ways
do we have to say, "I give up,"
say "Uncle," say "mercy"
before life stops wailing away on us?
I mean, we are getting pounded.
You know, I feel like our whole generation are sheep
that's been sold a bad bill of goods.
Like, we were told, you know, go to college, get good grades.
Well, you didn't go to college.
I'm saying, in theory, in concept,
our generation was told that you go to college,
you get a job, you... you get a mortgage,
and, you know, here we did everything
the way we were supposed to,
and what do we get for it?
Where's our thanks? Nothing.
I think I'm going to call Kevin about that job.
Kevin?
Thanksgiving tattoo?
We're not that low, are we, Nick?
Okay.
Come on.
Show me one little something here.
What are you going to do, Billy? Come on, Billy.
There he is.
- Nickrophiliac! - Hey.
How you been?
- Good. Just working away. - Yeah.
- Yeah. I see that. - Yeah.
Don't slag off on the corners.
Okay.
- The corners are so important. - All right.
'Cause we got people tracking shit in here all the time.
Okay.
And I mean, like, literally dog shit.
Jesus.
- Huh? - Wow, I should've worn some gloves.
I said I should've worn some gloves.
Gloves aren't gonna help you.
You don't want protector duty?
'Cause I got another place I can put you:
Out on the curb, twirling the big arrow.
Does that sound good?
Hot sun beating down on you?
I've lost three of those guys to skin cancer.
We call that curb "the widow maker."
I don't want to go out to the widow maker.
Okay?
How do you think you'd fare out there with that alabaster skin?
- Well, I don't know. - I'll tell you.
You'd be dead in a year.
It felt like you...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Jeggings. - What?
- Jeggings, 5:00. - Where?
Right there.
I'd like to play around in that rumpus room.
- You know what I mean? - Yeah.
Have you done the back door yet?
- Do what? - Back door.
Back-door action.
"Knock-knock. " Back door.
- No. - "It's me."
No.
- "With my penis." - No.
A life changer.
It is a life changer!
You VIP your way into that back alley,
you don't even think about the main entrance anymore.
You know what I mean by "the main entrance"?
We're talking dick into the vagina.
Kevin, this is an awkward conversation.
Why?
Because you're going out with my sister!
Oh, yeah. Well, don't think we didn't go through
a period of adjustment.
Adjustment?
Can you gentlemen help me?
Yes, ma'am. Nick is one of our best.
In fact, his entire family
knows their way around a mattress.
- Get it. - What are...?
- Get it done. - My question is about
memory foam versus standard.
Specifically as it relates to lumbar support.
What?
- Lumbar support. - I'm-Okay, I'm sorry.
- Hi, great choice in mattress. - Yeah.
Why don't you go ahead and, uh, lie down there.
Let's try to work our way through this conundrum.
Uh, because what I think you're asking is...
Oh, man.
Uh, Billy, I'm with a customer, thank you.
Sure.
Pardon me, ma'am, yeah, just maybe start off on this.
- Yeah. Just lay it down. - Yeah, come here for a second.
Hey, what are you doing here?
Listen, I got it.
I've seen the future, and it's beautiful for us.
Okay, I don't know what you got,
but I got a job here, and I don't want to lose it.
Now, can we talk about this later?
No, we can't talk about it later.
The future doesn't know later.
What are you...?
All the future is, is later.
That's literally what the future is.
It's later.
What are you talking about?
Google.
- Google? - Yeah.
The place is amazing.
They got nap pods, they got massage rooms,
they got a volleyball court.
They got the whole nine.
It's ranked as the greatest place to work at in America.
Yeah, I know. It's a technology company-
a field we know Jack squat about.
Look-it, Google needs us.
And Google wants us.
They do?
You sweet son of a bitch.
You got us a job at Google?
Well, it's not actually a job.
What do you mean, not an actual job?
Well, it's an interview for an internship that has
a better-than-not chance of materializing into a job.
Billy, now you're making me very angry.
You want me to leave my job to go for an interview,
not for a job but for an internship
that may or may not lead to a job?
Nick, aren't you tired of asking for just enough to get by?
Yes.
I want to do something that matters.
I want to have a life that I'm excited about and that's great.
Nick, I want us to go to California.
And I want us to get these jobs at Google.
I'm going to speak to a manager.
Terrific. I think he's right over there in the corner.
Let's roll it on over onto the stomach.
- He'll be very helpful. - Okay, what we're gonna do here
is get a little support for the hips.
So here comes... Imagine a pillow, right like there, okay?
Oh. Uh-huh.
And what we're gonna do is separate the feet,
create a little heat dispersion.
- Excuse me! - Now, so we have...
Is there something I can help you with, ma'am?!
What?!
I'm trying to buy a mattress.
Unbelievable!
Listen, our interview is in one hour.
Now, Nick, this might be the last chance that we got.
How's it going, Gossip Girls? CW just called, You're canceled.
Excuse me?
Look, I know you're peddling him
a bunch of crap, just like the crap merchandise
you two used to shill.
So, listen up, Marfan Syndrome.
- Excuse me? - Marfansism.
Big man's disease.
The Giant Killer.
- You. - Me and you are the same height.
We're not the same height. We're not the same height.
I'm handsome tall.
You're the type of tall where you walk through the airport,
people stop what they're eating and look at you.
You're like a freak.
Now, Nick, you have a customer waiting.
Nick... we have our future waiting.
Nick, you know what that says?
No, I don't read Sanskrit.
"Make reasonable choices."
That's an odd thing to get tattooed on your neck.
Just get back to work!
God! I'm sorry you had to see that, ma'am.
Now, let's get back to you
and talk pelvic ventilation.
Kevin!
What?
You know, you've been saying
some insulting things to me all day.
What are you doing?
I'm taking the shirt off.
Because I don't know
what happens to a dream deferred.
Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun?
Or does it explode?
I don't want to find out.
You just made the worst mistake of your life, my friend.
Hey, hey-hey-hey-hey, yeah, hey!
You take the shirt off, it doesn't go back on, okay?
There's not a second chance!
See you in hell!
So we're meeting our interviewer in here?
No, not in here. We're meeting him in here.
It's a Hangout.
This is how people do it now, Nicky-
they have their interviews on the Internet. - Oh.
I like it.
Now, it says here that the internship
is only for college students, so...
Guess who's way ahead of you.
That's why I enrolled us at the University of Phoenix.
That proud online institution.
Go, Fighting Phoenixes.
Nice.
Wait, you put my major down as physics?
Why-why would you put my major down as...
I don't know shit about physics.
- Look... - Physics scares me.
These guys paint the corner of the plate with their pitches.
They're not gonna come straight down the middle
and ask you about physics, It's too obvious.
I took it off the table.
Good. Hide in plain sight.
Yes.
But you put you down for sales? As your major?
Well, 'cause I'm a talker.
I figure I should probably dazzle.
I want you to-you know, I've thought about this.
I just figure, like, hide your vacancy and let me dazzle.
Okay, dazzle. Are you done yet?
There's a 15-minute limit.
I'm sorry, you know what?
The big boys are gonna need the computer a little longer,
but maybe we can make this a win-win for you.
Get yourself a soda pop.
Give her some money, yeah. Here you go.
Yeah, just go put some sugar in your body.
- Enjoy it. - What a cute kid.
- I'm no child, but, Billy... - Okay, here they are.
Now, when I hit this, they'll be able to see us, so come on in,
get in there close so we can be seen on the Webcam.
- See how small the Webcam is? - They can see us...
No, get cheek to cheek. Nick, come here, cheek to cheek.
Okay, but don't crowd me. You're crowding me right now.
Nick, get cheek to cheek. Will you get your cheek...
- Buddy, they can't see us. - I understand that. Here we go.
Go cheek to cheek. Just go like I tell you.
Okay. Don't yell in my...
- Put your fucking cheek next to mine. - Yes, yes, I get it.
We can see you guys.
- Okay, great! - Good! You got us?
Hi! My name is Billy!
Uh, we can hear you fine as well.
- Oh, great. Um... - Good.
Billy McMahon.
Nick Campbell.
- I'm Benjamin. - Allison.
We're thirsty, too.
Okay, slow it down there, camper.
I'm not an ATM.
I got a job interview here.
- Thank you. - We'll be back.
- Okay, easy. - Are you in a library?
You know, we're in a program here called...
We are.
There's some beautiful little kids here.
Yeah, kids. Helping kids program.
One of the things we're involved in-where we take
suburban kids and we teach them what it's like to be homeless.
- Oh, what's it called? - Oh, it's-it's called, uh...
- Attitude Adjustment. - Attitude Adjustment.
And that's where we are today. We're helping the kids.
And-and to be honest with you, we did the interview here
because we wanted to help out,
and also we don't have Webcams for our computer.
If you don't have a Webcam on your computer,
what type of computer do you use for your coding ability?
- Coding ability? - Uh, yeah.
Uh, under computer skills, you put "C-plus-plus."
That's actually a C-plus.
- What's that? - Well, the second plus is
to reflect my attitude of how I felt about the C-plus.
But it's a C-plus.
It was a typing class.
You know, same principle,
just not the engine inside the baby there.
But it was more like "quick brown fox."
You know, put your hands in the basin,
and crushing it like that.
But that h-helped me out a lot when I,
as I started my journey into computers
because I already knew where to put my hands, clearly.
Okay, if we could focus on this now-you are currently
enrolled at the University of Phoenix online?
- Indeed, yes, we are. - Damn right we are.
- It's, uh, the oldest
institution of its kind, and as such,
many people refer to it as the Harvard of Internet colleges.
Oh! I hadn't heard that actually.
I... No.
That-that has not made it out here,
- that reputation. - Well, we're Phoenix proud.
We're Phoenix proud.
Well, that's fine.
Um, we're gonna ask you a few questions
that some of our candidates find a little bit odd.
Let's get weird!
No judgment. Shoot.
You're shrunken down to the size of nickels
and dropped to the bottom of a blender.
What do you do?
Is there anything else in the blender?
Uh, I don't know.
Well, that's gonna make a difference.
Are there ice cubes to climb on?
Are we working with a daiquiri here?
Are we throwing a little rum in?
- Are we making a smoothie? - It's been a long week.
Maybe we want to let these little guys live a little.
Okay, for the sake of the argument, let's say it's empty.
- Sure. - Well, in that case, it's easy, then.
- Why? - I'm sorry?
If we're shrunk down to the size
of a nickel and there's no liquid in the blender,
we go ahead and put it on our backs.
So you take her flat on your back like this.
Right, right, right. You just lay back, enjoy that breeze.
- Lay stiff as a board, light as a feather. - Pretend it's a fan.
- Okay, once is... - And let those blades
just whip all around you like this.
It's like getting an MRI. Dazzle, dazzle.
Once this blender's on, it's on forever.
It's on. Forever.
Respectfully, I got to disagree.
We sold blenders, and even the best model in the world
is only gonna run nonstop for, what, Billy?
Even the Germans, the Germans could never...
Yeah. Even the German model.
Even one of those Braun ones, they're only gonna run nonstop
maybe ten or 11 hours. So we're getting out,
and when we do, we're better off for it,
because whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
But let's just go ahead
and big-picture this for a second, if I can.
Just like the founders of Google.
Big-picture Googling.
It's not so much getting out of the blender,
It's what happens next.
That's the question.
You've got two nickel-sized men free in the world.
- Think of the possibilities. - I mean,
off the top of my head, and I'm just spitballing here.
- My head's swimming. - Sunglass repair?
- Yeah, yeah... - We'd be hell on those little screws.
Or maybe you stick us in those submarines that they put
in people's bodies to fight diseases.
That's cutting-edge right there.
Okay, you-That's-that's not a real thing,
- the submarines. - No.
Wait a minute.
I thought we were stuck in a blender.
Now we're saving lives? What?!
- Uh, what? - What?
- What?! - What?
Let me just recap this for you real quick.
- We started off in a blend... - Yeah.
Now we're saving lives!
- What?! - What?!
- What? - Wait a minute!
- We were stuck in a blender... - What a journey!
And now we saving lives?!
- What?! - You guys led us to this.
Thank you.
I think we've gotten a little far afield.
Just a little off topic.
Ally, I'll get inside you and I'll fight for you.
Uh, thank you. I appreciate that, but...
Which one of you... which one of you is physics?
Mr. Campbell?
You could maybe expound on this from a physics aspect.
Physics.
Here, here...
Listen, the I could bend your ear
about physics and various physical phenomenon,
but the truth is, we were in a blender.
We lost our jobs, we'd given up.
So I think we already answered the question
when we took this interview.
We got ourselves out, and here we are.
If you guys really want to know what happens when you take
two guys out of a blender- I'm sorry, Allison, is it?
Yes.
Then give us a shot.
And I think you'd be happy that you did.
So, who is our next applicant?
Ah, our two daiquiri men.
So, what are we thinking... Dana?
You're kidding, right?
No.
Eleanor?
Mmm, they seem like really nice guys,
- but I don't think so. - Okay. Moving on.
Oh, can I say something?
You can. You will.
We will resent you for wasting our time,
but please don't let that stop you.
It's just, diversity is in our DNA, right?
I thought the goal here
was to find people with a different way of thinking.
There's plenty of people with a different way of thinking.
It doesn't mean that we have to hire them.
Very good point, Dana. Moving on.
I'm sorry, but you read their résumés, right?
They have more years
of sales and life experience
than the age of most of our interns.
Not to mention, our final judgment
is always based on the Layover Test, right?
Who would you rather be stuck next to
at an airport bar for a six-hour delay?
The ten millionth kid who knows that if you shrink,
your strength-to-weight ratio
allows you to jump way higher? Duh.
Or the out-of-the-box thinkers
who turned being stuck in a blender
into an advantage?
♪ Tell me how you feel ♪
♪ What's your fantasy, oh? ♪
♪ I see us on a beach down in Mexico ♪
♪ You can put your feet up, be my señorita ♪
♪ We ain't got to rush, just take it slow ♪
♪ You'll be in the high life, soaking up the sunlight ♪
♪ Anything you want, it's yours ♪
♪ I'll have you living life like you should ♪
♪ You say you never had it so good... ♪
So it begins.
Here we go.
Place is incredible.
Where do we check in?
Let's ask somebody here.
Oh, excuse me!
I'm sorry, excuse me, do you...
Billy?
It's scary because it's new.
Let's go check in.
Head towards those big, big letters there.
What's up, family?
♪ Girl, tell me how you feel ♪
♪ What's your fantasy, oh? ♪
♪ I see us on a beach down in Mexico ♪
♪ You can put your feet up, be my señorita ♪
♪ We ain't got to rush, just take it slow ♪
♪ You'll be in the high life, soaking up the sunlight ♪
♪ Anything you want, it's yours ♪
♪ I'll have you living life ♪
- What's your last name? - ♪ Like you should
♪ You say you never had it so good ♪
♪ Na na-na na-na na-na ♪
♪ Na na na You never had it so good ♪
♪ Na na-na na-na na-na ♪
♪ Na na-na na You never had it so good... ♪
Picture the greatest amusement park
you've ever been to as a kid.
Now imagine a place nothing like it
and a million times better.
That's where we are.
I'm gonna grab us a coffee.
You check us in.
Yeah.
Morning.
- Hi. - What's the damage here?
Nothing.
For the-for these?
- Free. - These are complimentary?
Complimentary. Free.
Whatever you want.
What you're just saying is if
whatever I walk away with here...
It's free.
- Doesn't... - Yeah.
You can have bananas.
I probably should, only because it's a great way to st...
This is the most important meal of the day.
Take two. They're free.
- No, I know, but for my day, I need it. - Yeah.
What about these? The bagels and all that?
Yeah, it's free. Anything you want.
If you're insisting, twist my arm.
- I'll have a couple of them. - Sure.
- Like four of them. - Four?
- Well, just whatever it is. - Yeah.
- What about five of them? - Free, too.
Well, why don't you go ahead and make it seven, then?
If you want to whip up some of the other drinks.
- Do you have a to-go cup, like, a Guzzler? - Sure.
Do you have, like, a Rednek Guzzler with a straw?
- Excuse me. Pardon me. - Yes?
Do you know what, uh, launch this was from?
Sorry. Uh, I have a meeting.
Oh, no, no, I don't want to hold you.
I was just...
I was just curious.
Was this thing actually in space?
If only there were some Web page you could go to.
Right? Where you could just
type things in and search for answers.
Ah. Yes, that would be nice.
Nick Campbell.
Uh, oops. Intern.
Dana Simms. Late.
Yep, and I'm late, too.
I got to rush off.
And it's SpaceShipOne.
First private manned spaceflight.
Winner of the X Prize.
Oh, my God, are those your Dads?
Seriously, same-sex partners make excellent parents.
I so wish my parents were gay.
When did 20 start to look like 12?
Oh, man.
Yes, of course I'll work my hardest.
Mom, how can I work harder than my hardest?
That's physically impossible...
Okay, okay, I will.
Yes, I love you... Mom.
- Billy McMahon, Billy McMahon. - Nice to meet you.
How are you?
Oh, I'm gonna grab some food over here.
- You okay? - Get something. I'm good.
- You all right if I leave you? - Yeah.
This stuff looks good, huh?
- Little pick-me-up. - Excuse me. Sir.
- Graham Hawtrey. - Oh.
- Billy McMahon. - I'm so thrilled to be here.
Oh, me, too.
Feels kind of like the first day
of spring training for Little League here.
I got to tell you, I feel like I got a few more clicks
on the old odometer than most of you kids here.
Well, honestly, that's why I came over here.
I said to myself, "Graham, there's a man
"with some life experience.
Probably teach you a thing or two."
Oh, you got to meet my friend, Nicky.
You'll love him. Nicky!
Nickelodeon! Come over here!
Come over.
Come meet this guy, Graham.
He's in the internship program with me and you.
- Hey. How you doing? - Good.
- You're interns? - Yes.
- Shut up! - Deal with it.
- Shut the fuck up. - Deal with it.
But you're so old, though.
Whoa. Excuse me?
Oh, my God, I feel terrible! I feel so stupid.
- No, don't be. We're excited. - No, it's fine.
- No, I feel terrible. I feel terrible. - No. For what?
I just, you know, um... I thought you were important.
Oh, shit.
I've got to find some people who actually matter,
but good luck!
Wh-Why did you bring me over to introduce me to this guy?
It's like he was your best friend.
You introduced me to Hitler.
Well, he seemed like he was sweet at first.
My name is Roger Chetty.
And I am head of the Google Intern Program.
Welcome to Google.
This will not be your average internship.
Oh, no.
You will do what we do.
And we will watch how well you do it.
Now, you represent the finest schools.
Your intelligence, your achievement is well noted,
but to excel at this internship,
you're going to need far more than brainpower.
What you're going to need is Googliness.
Nothing funny.
Googliness.
The intangible stuff that made a search engine
into an engine for change.
Now, you will be divided into teams,
and by the end of the summer,
only one team will be guaranteed a full-time position.
The other 95% of you will not.
Now, you've been split up into several seminars
to acquaint you with our campus and culture.
Seminar descriptions have been e-mailed to each of you.
I would wish you luck, but it's not luck that you need.
Get to work!
Well, this ain't gonna be about
getting coffee and running errands for people.
No, no.
We're looking at some sort of mental Hunger Games
against a bunch of genius kids for just a handful of jobs.
That's why we got to nail this thing.
This is our opening statement.
If it please the court.
Oh, it pleases the court, counselor.
Okay, Workplace Seminar.
Still a few seats left.
First impression time, baby.
Bingo!
Okay, we can do good in this.
- We have to do... - Shazam!
So close yet so far, boys.
Whoa! Graham, Graham, we were here first.
You know what?
You're right.
You guys could use the advantage.
Go ahead.
What's that supposed to mean?
It means that in a world of excellence,
old and unexceptional qualifies as diversity.
So you know what? Go ahead.
What's that saying?
"Age before beauty"?
Thank you.
You're welcome, William.
You know, there's always some joker
who likes to play fuck-around.
I guess that's gonna be you, Graham.
All right, at least we know. Game on.
Good luck, boys.
Now, I recognize that Google is not a conventional workplace.
Having said that, we have rules.
I'm going to ask you a series of questions.
You are going to raise the green paddle
to indicate "yes" and the red paddle
to indicate "no."
So, let's begin.
"Having a beer with your boss."
Some of you are under 21.
Some of us aren't under 21, so...
if you want to grab a cold one with me,
I'm happy to do that with you.
I will not be grabbing a cold one with you.
You get high?
- I don't get high. - Okay.
I'm not judging, I'm just saying,
people do it.
That being said, if you want
something cold to drink, we'll hook you up.
I'm okay.
Thank you, Just stop talking to me.
I'm your Bill Holden in Stalag 17.
I don't even... I really don't get that reference.
- Google it. - Got it.
"Dating a fellow intern."
This is Google, not Match. Com.
Chetty, excuse me. What about a full-time employee?
Say, management level, but not a direct supervisor.
Great eyes, and a severity to her look
that is surprisingly sexy.
What's the policy on that?
No? That's frowned upon also?
So we'll say no to love?
We'll say no to love, yes.
- That's gonna be a no. - Now,
"taking food home from the office."
Boom.
Yes.
Are you having difficulty with this,
- Mr. McMahon? - I'm sorry.
Just to drill down on this, what if it's,
like, a perishable? Like, say there was
a pudding or something that was left out.
You'd like to take home a pudding, would you?
I wouldn't mind taking home a pudding, I don't...
- I don't know who wouldn't. - Oh, yeah.
But that being said, I'm just saying if it's gonna
- go bad, is that okay to take-take it home? - Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm. Anything else you'd like to take home?
Only if there was, let's say, salsa or chips.
You know, something that's not wrapped.
Salsa, chips and pudding.
Or Sushi.
Salsa, chips, pudding and Sushi.
- Anything else? - Ice cream.
Salsa, chips, pudding, Sushi and ice cream.
- Pizza. - Salsa, chips, pudding,
Sushi, ice cream and pizza.
I wouldn't take home a frozen pizza,
but if there was a nice pie
- that was out... - Oh, boy.
I am truly impressed, Mr. McMahon.
- Thank you. - At the both of you.
At how quickly you have confirmed my doubts about you.
Now, let's try this
one more time.
"Taking food home from the office."
Very good.
Ladies and gentlemen, that is all.
Well, I'm not gonna dress it up.
Today didn't go well.
Yeah.
It certainly wasn't the first impression
we were looking for.
But here's the deal.
Tomorrow is the pick teams day, right?
Which makes it all the more important
for us to fall in with a strong team.
If we can surround ourselves
with the right group of these little geniuses,
we still got a shot here.
Nicky,
we can coattail this bitch.
You're right, and by the way, there's no shame in that.
- No. - There's no shame
in being the 12th man at the end of the bench
who's never getting in the game,
but he's got a lot of enthusiasm.
- Right. - He's waving the towel,
he's doling out high fives during time-outs.
Exactly.
Because I'll tell you about that guy.
When the team wins the championship,
he still gets a ring.
Damn right he does.
So we got to be that awkward seven-footer
from Lithuania.
I love your spirit.
Look, I love you like a brother,
but I can't have those cold clams
brushing up against me in the bed here at night.
- Keep me up all night. - Okay, suit yourself.
I'm gonna give you the bed, I'll take her tomorrow.
Can you hit that light, Pocahontas?
Tomorrow's a new day.
Welcome to day two. I am Sid,
eighth-year Googler.
You guys are new Googlers,
Thus you're... Nooglers.
Okay.
Now, this place is all about community and collaboration.
So you'll be working in teams
from here on out. All right.
You have five minutes.
Pick your teams.
You, on me.
Oh, now, be picky, okay?
Play hard to get.
Don't be desperate, Just be cool, okay?
This is everything.
Are you still looking for someone?
- I could be your teammate. - College, major, S.A.T. score?
Um, Harvard, computer science, 2390.
Fine. On me, Fatface.
Uh, my name's Zach, not...
- You? - University of...
No.
My name's not Fat...
Hello, Stanford. You're coming with me.
The University of Phoenix online.
Sort of considered the Harvard of the West.
Why don't we all be a team?
Can I just get... Oh, please don't touch me.
Please, you-you're touching me.
Blondie, you're coming with me
on account of your physical appearance.
Does anyone want to... want to be on a team with me?
Super fun.
Really smart, but also very fun.
I was voted "most likely to succeed" in my chess club.
Um, Mr. Chetty?
I don't have a group.
You'll mentor the leftovers.
Which, it would seem, would include
your two charity cases.
- Nice. - Off you go.
Go.
Yo, Billy and Nick?
- Hey. - Nice, there they are.
Nice to meet you. I'm Lyle,
one of the team managers. Pound me.
Oh, normally, just putting the fist out
without the words is all that's necessary.
Come on, bro, fist me, Get up in there.
Yeah, that's definitely not right.
I'm sorry, you said you were a manager?
How old are you?
I'm 23, but no worries, fellas.
- I'm an old soul. - Yeah, that's great.
Um, yeah, well, the thing about it is, pal,
is that, um, we don't have a... well, we have two, me and...
me and Nick. But we don't have the rest of our team.
- We didn't... - But we figured...
Correction: You didn't have a team,
but you got one now, son.
'Cause I got a few outliers.
Buh-bam, ker-plash, zshaw!
And we about to get it all good up in this hood, right?
Outliers?
Outliers, 'cause I just dropped a little G-well on you.
'Cause Malcolm's my dog, Malcolm's my dog.
What you say... Malcolm's my dog.
Outliers, you know, from 10,000 hours?
Look, let's get a team meeting going, everybody!
Come on, team meet time.
- Nick? - Wonder Twin powers activate!
What other options do we have? Let's go, everybody!
Come on, you're with me! You're with me.
- Uh... - My team, corner pocket.
All right, let's get some meet and greet going
up in this heezy.
I'm Lyle, and it's pretty much WYSIWYG,
what you see is what you get.
I've been here at the Goog for four years,
working on seven projies
en este momento.
Wow, seven projects?
Hey, they ask, and I do's it.
What can I say, I'm a people pleaser,
especially the ladies.
My Mercedes.
So it's all good in Lyle's hood, you heard?
Uh, yeah, is Lyle always
gonna be referring to himself in the third person?
'Cause if he is, I might want to punch Lyle in the face.
Okay, tough but fair.
Good note.
Lyle's still a little nervous. Shh...
Uh, first-time manager, Lyle's a first-time...
I'm gonna stop doing that. I'm gonna cut it out.
Keep it to first and second person.
Who's next?
My name is Yo-Yo Santos.
Yo-Yo, how about a high five?
- Whoa. - Whoa.
Yo-Yo, easy, buddy. I come in peace.
Geez, Yo-Yo, did you get
beat up a lot in school?
I was homeschooled by my Mom.
Did you get beat up
a lot in homeschool?
Discipline is a very important part of growth.
But my mother was actually
a very nurturing person.
For example, she provided me selflessly
with the milk of her bosom
until I was seven years old.
So it's like, uh,
you're tying your shoe, you're climbing trees,
you're blowing up fireworks, and then you're right on Mom.
You got mouth on Mom.
Breast-feeding leads to a higher IQ.
Okay. Actually, the science
isn't quite definitive on that.
I was bottle-fed.
It never slowed me down.
Vitamins are vitamins,
whether they come from a teat or a baba.
Wrong.
Sorry, what was that?
Wrong.
The teat or baba thing, it's wrong.
I just Googled it, so you're wrong.
Oh, yeah, I'm Stuart.
Well, it's a pleasure
to meet you, Stu. You know, you can't trust
everything you read on the...
The Journal of the American Medical Association?
Sounds pretty trustworthy.
It says that breast milk
has more nutrients
and that those nutrients
are more easily digested and absorbed.
Your confusion is understandable, though.
You were bottle-fed.
He's right. That's right.
Whoa, guys,
where's all this hostility coming from?
Where do you think it's coming from, you big tree?
Two fifths of our team are
made up of two old guys who don't know shit.
Wow.
Okay, guys, I, for one,
am very happy to have
two strapping, mature gentlemen on the team.
Thank you.
Oh, uh,
I'm Neha Patel, and oh, my God,
you guys would make the best Luke and Han.
Excuse me?
Oh, Star Wars cosplay.
- Cosplay? - Costume play.
You know, where people dress up
as their favorite anime or movie character?
I'd be slave girl Leia.
Yeah, metal bikini top, metal G-string panty,
high-heel leather boots.
Of course, I'm chained at the neck.
Not too constricted,
but just enough to make things interesting.
The neck constriction's interesting?
Yeah, a few of us
get together and...
whatever happens, happens.
Oh, uh,
but work-wise, yeah, um,
your skills aren't really relevant here
or really in this millennium, so stay out of our way.
We're gonna do this shit on our own.
Well, I'm loving this friction.
You know why? Because that's how you get a fire started.
I'm Nick, This is my pal, Billy,
and despite what you may think,
uh, we're here like the rest of you,
just running down a dream.
All right.
Team Lyle!
No, okay, we'll workshop that.
It's in beta.
Okeydoke.
Our Translate lecture is in 15 minutes.
Translate is about giving everyone access
to every word ever written,
no matter what language it was written in,
because when the entire world can see, read
and find the rest of the world's cool stuff,
good things start happening. Lyle,
you laying-in-the-weeds son of a bitch.
You're hot for teacher, my man.
I took her dance class here once,
but she doesn't even know I exist.
What are you talking about?
Doesn't know you exist?
Come on, you're communicating with her right here.
What's this thing?
Oh, no, this is just the company intranet.
It's got info on every Google employee
like birthdays, trivia, meeting calendars, everything.
Really?
Hmm.
Oh, hey, fancy seeing you here.
Is it?
Or maybe you calendar-stalked me and you knew exactly
where I was gonna be right now.
Now, am I detecting a bit of an accent?
You are.
Uh-huh, I have a very good ear.
English, right? 'Ello, guvna.
Oliver Twist. More bread, please, sir.
Australian, actually.
Really? Similar flags, though.
- Hey, Dana. - Kiwi.
Lord of the Rings country.
Okay, the stain on this one's better,
but the white one may be a goner.
Okay, thanks.
I eat very fast.
Bangers and mash.
That's also British.
Vegemite sandwich, then,
which I'm sure you gobble down very quickly
so you can get back to the grind.
I mean, it is impressive staying at work till midnight
every day-also on the calendar.
Look, Nick,
I'm sure you're very popular
with the 19-year-olds at the University of Phoenix,
with your Southern drawl, and the blond hair,
and this whole thing you got going on,
but I got to tell you, this is just never gonna happen.
This? What?
I mean, it's...
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
This is me reaching out as an intern.
They've encouraged us
to approach experienced Googlers
and just pick their brains.
Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
Of course.
You thought I was just...
Oh, who's this wanker just steaming in?
You just want to learn. You want to learn.
Well, look, Sid here, he's incredible.
He's about to give a talk on HTML5.
- Okay. - Nick is desperate to learn.
He'd love to come along.
- Yeah. - Let's make it happen.
Yeah, sure.
- Okay, well... - Come on down, brother.
Sometimes we go all day, all night.
Well, I can't start any sooner than right now.
Let's do it.
- Cool, let's rock. - Come on, everybody, Here we go.
Now, wait, where are you going?
Oh, I have a meeting.
But you know that.
Cheerio.
Let's go.
Come on, don't be shy.
You have a crush on her, my friend.
Good morning, interns.
Today marks the first of several challenges
through which your team will show their merits.
While internally dogfooding a new product,
a number of Googlers reported
a bug that disabled their audio.
All two million lines
of that code are in the source files.
Your job, find the bug.
Okay, we should check the user reports.
Scan the logs for any red flags.
See what exceptions were thrown.
I always start by drawing up strategies
to sift through the code.
- Code, right? Code, right? Codes. - Right?
- Uh... - So at the end of the day, we're looking
to kind of break the password here, right?
Maybe the answer's in the question.
- Maybe it's something with bug. - Eureka.
Bug like fly. The Fly.
Is Chetty a cinephile?
- Goldblum. - Goldblum!
Boggles my mind that no one has a notebook out.
You guys are focused on writing this gibberish.
Maybe that's helpful, maybe it's not,
but I guarantee you what we're saying is helpful.
Guys, we're looking for a bug, not a password.
They're different things.
Keep going with that human connection.
- Oh, geez, you know what? - You had it.
We'll go on fly, 'cause that's where we're at,
- and we're flying it, We're right there. - Fly, fly.
- I know we're buzzing around it. - I like that.
Zzz, Y-L-F.
And it's a word scramble, and it's life.
For some reason, I can't get "fly" out of my mind,
and now I'm going Lopez, Jennifer Lopez.
- Is it a fly girl? - Superfly.
Pop fly? Uh, excavation.
- Earthquakes, California. - That's it! Write that down!
- Where? Where? - Do it, do it, write it down, type it in.
- What am I doing? - Would you please stop?
- No, we're working. - No, we're working.
Yeah, and that's a Sharpie, by the way, genius.
That's my fault.
Go ahead and wash that.
Look, guys, I'm sorry, but you're not helping.
You're just saying a lot of words really fast
that mean nothing.
To find the bug, we need to scan the user logs
and review the code until we find the programmer's mistake.
It's the only way.
Except what if it's not the only way?
- Go. - Okay, you said that someone programmed it.
That means some person
- in this building wrote that code. - A human being.
Let's just give him a name and call him Tony.
- Tony. - Let's say Tony likes kayaking.
Kayak.
All of a sudden, me and Nick become friends
with Tony, We're throwing a few beers back.
We're doing a little kayaking with my main man, Tony.
Tony's bombed on the open water.
Next thing you know,
we start gabbing about audio bugs.
Yeah, I actually think it's a great idea.
- Good, great! - Finally!
Dark and stormy, feeling us.
Yeah, no, feeling you big-time, buddy.
- Terrific. - You know what, in fact, why don't the two
of you guys right now go and find the programmer.
Great. Great idea.
Yo-Yo, who's our man?
His name is Charles Xavier.
- Charles Xavier. - Perfect. Nick, write this down.
- Steel trap. - Uh, he's a Professor.
At Stanford.
Yeah, just a few minutes away, really.
- Guys... - And he's in a wheelchair.
Got it, Stanford, wheelchair.
- What else? - Uh, oh, he's bald.
Might be with his best friend who wears a metal helmet.
- Wears a fitted suit. - He looks like a geneticist.
More, more, more, more. Go on, hit us, hit us.
- Has a British accent. - British? With my ear, we're done.
Okay, keep searching, Think fly, think bug.
I promise you, somehow,
- this intersects with Goldblum. - Billy!
- Let's get a move on. - Goldblum, of course.
All right, back to work, guys.
Hey, Professor, what up!
Professor Charles Xavier?
Very funny.
British. Listen, Professor Xavier,
sorry to bother you. If we could just talk to you for...
Gentlemen, I don't have time for his.
Okay, Professor Xavier,
we know that it's you,
and listen, we really need your help.
All right, you-you found me out.
I am Charles Xavier,
and that's Cyclops,
and Rogue.
We're all here.
Now, come closer.
I want to share some
of my telekinetic wisdom with you.
Well, I want you to share with me,
'cause I want to know about these bugs.
Assholes!
Oh, you maniacal monster!
Professor Xavier is a total dick!
Yo to the yo.
Where are we at on ensuring it wasn't a networking issue?
Confirmed there was no packet lost.
Almost done checking on whether the encryption
had the wrong certificate.
I'm sorry, almost?
Uh, you're either done or you're not.
You can't be almost pregnant.
Yeah, hey, she would know, guys.
You know what, why don't you Google asshole, asshole?
She's right. It's not good enough.
Get it together, Yo-Yo.
What the fuck was that?
I was punishing myself for my inferior performance.
Well, that's good.
That's great. We got crazy over here
- and crazy horny over here. - Oh, let me guess.
- Big dick 'cause... little dick? - Did your mind
just immediately go to a penis joke?
- Is that, like, all you... - Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
Was that not witty enough for you?
Because I'm too busy working.
No, yeah, that's fine. I just want you
to acknowledge the fact that I'm winning the quip-off.
That's what you're worried about right now?
Yes, that's really what I'm worried about.
So you're more concerned with snarky banter
- than actually winning? - Yeah.
The deadline's at the end of the week, so...
Hey, hey.
You guys find Professor Xavier?
Yeah, we found him.
Yeah, thanks so much for that.
That's, uh...
really great team spirit.
Mind sliding over here?
I'm sorry.
It really doesn't look like there's enough room for you.
Have a great lunch.
Yeah, enjoy it.
Billy Okay, let's see here.
Let's see.
- See anything? - Oh, there's an opening.
Is that taken? Okay. It's taken.
Let's go over here.
Hi, Headphones. You mind if we sit here?
I think we can take that
- as a yes. - All right.
We're gonna have to at this point.
How you doing, bud?
He doesn't even know we exist.
He's like some kind of a superhero on this computer.
Look at him, He's just crushing his thing
and kicking ass.
Do you remember what it felt like
to be that good at something?
Look at this!
William.
Nicholas.
Person I don't know.
Figured I'd find you at the cool kids' table.
It's like a confederacy of outcasts out here.
Heard you had a day trip to, uh,
Palo Alto?
Home of Silicon Valley and also the X-Men, apparently.
Where are you going with this, Graham?
Oh, I just wanted to let you guys know,
we won the bug challenge.
What are you gonna do about it, boys?
I wouldn't worry if I was you about what we're gonna do
or what we're not gonna do, We're gonna be just fine.
You're gonna be fine? All right.
Keep telling yourself that.
See you all-stars at the intramural fields
for the next challenge I'll win.
Sports. Something we know about, baby.
Something we know a lot about, baby.
- Come on, now. - Look at me.
For real.
All right, teams, welcome to the Quidditch pitch.
Let's have a good, clean match, Nooglers.
Fatty, don't touch the ball.
Okay, rules. The Beaters toss the Bludgers at the Chasers
before they can get the Quaffle through the three rings.
No blagging, no blatching, no bumphing, no haversacking.
I don't want to see any Quaffle-pocking.
No Imperius curses, no Confundus charms.
In the unlikely event of a Dementor attack,
use a Patronus charm.
I recommend the stag, but that's a personal decision.
Lyle, Lyle, Lyle, these beautiful idiots
have no idea what you're talking about.
Use your Muggle words. Come on.
Come on, Lyle, you're making me feel
like I'm back in math class, okay?
You got a couple savants here with eye-hand coordination.
Just say "game on" and let us play.
Fair enough, Version 2.0.
Peg them with the kick balls
before they throw the volleyball
through the hoop.
Brooms in, people.
Hufflepuff on three.
One, two, three...
Hufflepuff!
Yeah, son!
Yeah, let's get it.
All right, game time.
Let's get Huff-tarded in here.
No mercy! No mercy!
Tips down!
Blue team, ready?
Ready!
Red team, ready?
Bangarang!
Brooms up!
Ball!
All right, slam it!
- Nice. - Yeah!
Yeah!
Ten points Blue.
Billy, Billy, talk to me!
- What do I do? - What are we doing?
- How do I do it? - It's chaos!
Come on, you got it.
Billy, I'm lost.
Just hit them, hit them!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what's happening?
Lyle!
What the hell was that?
Why don't you try looking up and giving a shit, man?
Come on!
I can't take this! What am I supposed... Come get me.
Who do I hit?
- No, no! - Come get hit.
Who wants to fight?
I want somebody to hit!
Get the broom between the legs, folks.
My bad. Let's go, let's go.
Lesson learned, lesson learned, lesson learned.
What the fuck does this have to do with computers?
- I'm winning. - Stop.
Don't move, fatty.
Blue, ten points.
Ball!
Thank you.
What?! What?!
Time-out.
Time!
Bring it in, guys. Come on, let's huddle up.
Good work, everybody.
Everybody except for you, Zach.
- It's over. - Yeah, our team's a joke.
Well, I ain't laughing.
What about you, Billy?
Hell, no.
Listen, we need to get our minds right
and start believing.
This reminds me of a little girl
who had to get her head right
and start believing,
a little girl from a steel town
who had the dream to dance.
No one believed in that little welder girl,
but thank God she believed in herself.
Are you talking about Flashdance?
The movie from the '80s?
Yeah, you're damn right I am.
That's exactly what I'm talking about.
- Got it. - The deck was stacked
against Alex, and you know how she overcame those odds?
By believing in herself and trying.
She literally had to become a maniac.
Have any of you ever been called a maniac?
Maybe because you were
a little bit different?
My Mom calls me a maniac
every night when I tell her I love her.
Of course she does, Yo-Yo.
You are a little bit, in a good way.
Well, guess what.
That old Bill Gates,
- they called him a maniac, too. - No question.
Yeah, I don't think anyone ever called him a maniac.
- I just called him a maniac. - Okay, damn it, guys.
- You guys are getting off the point here. - You're right.
She had to strip down to nothing.
She had to sit in that chair and arch her back,
and she pulled a chain to nowhere,
and doused herself with water.
Yeah, where did that water come from?
- Who knows? - It came from her belief
that it was there.
She believed so hard she found herself with an audition
in front of those stuffed shirts at the dance school,
and she spun... oh, and she spun and she spun
and she spun and she spun
and she spun herself into that dance school.
And she spun herself into our hearts.
Now,
in the second half
of whatever the hell you guys call this game,
can't we all be that little welder girl
who wants to be something more?
Now, look, I know you guys aren't excited
that we're on your team, but we're here.
Guys, we're in this thing together.
So I'm asking you, believe in yourselves,
believe in each other.
Let's put on our leg warmers,
and let's dance our asses off.
Come here, you little lovable maniacs. Get in here.
All right, now, I got an idea that I think would make.
Bear Bryant smile. No idea
who that is, but we're listening.
Let's go!
Stuart!
Neha!
Lyle, hit me!
Got it, got it, got it, got it!
Yeah!
Baby!
Blind her! I'm going in!
Yeah!
Yes!
Yo-Yo!
Yeah! Eat it, Malfoy! Suck it!
See ya!
Coming at you, Nick!
Yeah!
Who's on Blondie?
All right, let's go, boys.
Okay.
Pick and roll.
Stockton to Malone!
She shoots, she scores, baby!
- Baby, what's up?! - Yeah!
Tie game!
Where were you? Huh?
I had to use the restroom. I'm sorry.
It's the Golden Snitch!
Who the fuck is this now?
Zach, get over here.
All right, Fatface, I think it's time to fake an injury.
I don't know how to fake an injury.
Man down.
Get the tennis ball and we win!
Run, you big tree!
Aah! Go!
Come on, ref, you gonna call that?!
Yeah! Yeah!
You can't be serious. That bitch just snaked me.
That's got to be illegal.
Sorry, if I didn't see it, I can't call it.
You okay there, Golden Boy?
Yeah, the Snitch is fine.
G.D. it!
Don't start that, Yo-Yo.
You did your best
out there today. That's the first time
we all came together as a team.
Goddamn it, Billy's right.
Let's keep it rolling.
Just keep it rolling.
Come on, let's get a frosty.
- Nick? - Yeah?
Would I be wrong to call you my brother?
Of course not. I'd do anything
for my little show pony.
Look at me. Anything.
I'm gonna need you to ice my balls for me.
Brother!
Nick Oh, boy.
Time to shut the engines down for a little bit and...
take a load off, Nicky.
Oh, boy. What would I do
- without these babies? - This is a "shh" zone.
Hi. Hey.
Sorry.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
By the way, thank you for sending me to that seminar.
It was actually pretty interesting.
Really?
Absolutely.
What have you been up to?
I'm gonna go.
No, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
You were here first, I'll leave.
Sorry.
Uh, one thing before I go, Quick question.
If I was to invite someone out
to a really nice dinner around here, where would I go?
Um...
I wouldn't know, actually.
I spend most of my time on campus.
What?! That's criminal!
Has it occurred to you that I work hard for a reason?
Hmm? This may sound silly
to you, but I actually believe that what we do here
helps make people's lives a little bit better.
No, no, no. I'm not saying that sounds silly.
I think it's admirable. I agree.
I'm just saying that sometimes
with all the work, that you can...
forget about the person that matters the most.
Is this a nap pod or a convo pod?
Oh, that's right- it's a nap pod.
- Shh! - Yikes.
I know where you're going with this.
- Where? - You think I'm some
30-year-old exec who's devoted
her entire life to her career.
Right? And one day I'm gonna wake up wanting more.
Stop me if I'm off base here.
- No? - Well, no...
What else does your intuition tell you?
That, um, I can't go on Facebook anymore
because it's nothing but happy couples gloating
about their perfect little babies in those tiny socks
that look like goddamn sneakers?
Oh, yeah, yeah, the little Chuck Taylors.
Only I'm ten years too late, right?
Because while I've been working
so hard, I missed out on all the bad dates
and the assholes, and now I'm running out of time.
No one told me it was a game of musical chairs.
And by the time I figured it out,
you know, you can forget it, it's too late.
Yeah.
Anyway...
anyway... is that kind of what you were gonna say to me?
Well, no, I was gonna suggest that you work harder,
that you roll up your sleeves,
that you buckle down and you get to work.
You can't change the world when you're laying in a nap pod.
No, but honestly,
if any of what you were just saying
applies even slightly to yourself, you might want
to think about doing something about it.
And that's not me
preaching at you, That's coming from someone who,
when they wake up, the first thing on their calendar
is regret.
Now, that's not a good feeling.
Anyway, I should go.
Thank you!
- But before I go... - Ah, geez!
Just bear with me. I want to throw down
a challenge for you
to go out to dinner before I leave town.
- I'll let you know if a window opens up. - Great.
And if it does, don't minimize it.
Don't click that little red "X"
in the corner.
See? I'm getting it.
I get it.
Okay.
Shh. Go back to sleep.
Hey, Chetty.
Pretty good effort on the, uh, Quidditch field yesterday,
huh?
It was a game throwing balls, and you lost.
Yeah, but we really rallied the second half, I think.
Uh, kind of a spiritual victory for us.
Well, perhaps you'll land a spiritual job.
You know, Mr. McMahon, the admissions committee
was split on you, You made it by one vote.
That deciding member thought you showed promise.
It's clear now
that... he was wrong.
Sometimes the long shots pay off the biggest.
Enjoy your pudding.
I will.
Oh, and, Chetty?
Not for nothing,
can't get me not to like you.
All right, guys, let's take this new team spirit,
and let's apply it to this next app challenge. We got this.
Yo, it'd help if we had an idea for an app.
You bet your sweet ass it would, Stewie. No.
- Never Stewie. - Okay, you don't like "Stewie."
Perimeter breach acknowledged, Stuart.
It'll feel good when this one warms up to me.
You know it's gonna happen, right?
I'll break you down like a two-by-four, bronco.
Watch me do it.
Okay, come on, guys,
let's brainstorm this puppy.
We're gonna put the coffee in the pot,
and we're gonna let it percolate. Let's go!
I think it'll be helpful to explore
what apps have been most popular in the past.
- Go. - Go backwards to go forwards.
- Oh, and we can bin it, you know? - Fall out.
Uh, categorize needle-movers by type of user.
You're gonna do what? There you go, Neha.
Hit it both by function and by user.
The old two-prong. You're on the forest moon of Endor,
taking out the shield generator, and you're launching
an offensive with Admiral Ackbar.
It's not a trap.
All right, guys, I don't want to kill the momentum, or the mojo
that you have cooking, but to be fair with you,
needles and categories, they don't use apps.
People use apps.
So I have an idea-
nowdays, people are taking pictures, right?
They have their phones now, They're out.
Something catches their eye, they want to take it.
But then the photo's just sitting there-what if they
take that photo and instantaneously
put it out there on the line
and they share it with their friends?
That's Instagram. It already exists.
It's one of the most popular apps in the world.
Facebook bought 'em for, like, a billion dollars.
That's "billion" with a "B."
Oh, no, no. Mine is very different than that.
Because, in mine, you're taking the photo instantaneously,
you're putting the photo out there on the line.
On the line and I'm creating an exchange.
- Yeah, that's Instagram. - But mine's more
of a social sharing on the line that's happening.
Online. Quick interjection.
When you keep saying "on the line," you do mean "online"?
Stuart, don't do that. You don't do that to a man.
He's got a million-dollar idea right here.
- Billion-dollar idea. - Even better. Let him flow.
Nick, I appreciate it. You can't bring me down.
I'm too positive. Come here, let me share something with you.
- No. - Please, come. I'm gonna explain this
to you in a way that's visual.
He's bigger than you. Be careful.
So, now you're out there, take a photo.
Just a pretend one. Go ahead.
Now you take that photo, you put it on the line,
- Online. - Put it on Twitter,
you put it on whatever you want.
That is Instagram.
- That's Instagram. - Hundred percent.
- I get it. We're hip. - We're not dummies.
Point taken. Now let's go with my concept.
Now you've taken a photo instantaneously,
or not instantaneously,
and then you take those and you send those out
on the line.
- Online. - You don't have to say shit.
You don't. You just say,
"I like that photo," and you share that photo
instantaneously on the line.
- Online. - With your friends.
Now everyone's exchanging ideas.
Everyone's exchanging photos!
And that's why the photos
- that are being shared on the line... - Online.
Will be known as "Exchangeagram."
- Nice! - Holy shitballs, Billy!
We don't have time for this.
Hello, fellow interns! Graham Hawtrey here.
I've taken the liberty
of attaching a link to our app, which has
already been downloaded 230 times. Booyah!
Great.
We're gonna lose yet another challenge,
we're not gonna get these jobs,
and our lives are basically ruined.
Okay, hold on a sec. Your life isn't ruined.
You guys are 21 years old.
You have your whole life in front of you.
Do you even know what it's like to be 21 right now?
I mean, a quarter of the kids
coming out of college can't even get jobs.
That's a correct statistic. Mother says
you can work hard and go to the right school,
but nothing is guaranteed anymore.
That's life. Sorry.
These guys are right.
The whole American Dream thing that you guys grew up on,
that's all it is nowdays, a dream.
You're too young to be this cynical.
Do you really see the world this way?
That's not how we see it.
It's just... the way things are now.
All right, that's it.
Everybody up. Here we go.
Let's do it. Breath-of-fresh-air time.
Why? We have work to do.
- No, no, no. - Uh-huh. Ah-ah!
Time to hit the reset button.
- Yeah. - We're taking it to the street.
We're gonna get our heads right, 'cause we need
to come together as a team, 'cause that's not happening.
- What about the app? - This is bigger than an app.
Okay, and by the way, we do have something
pretty terrific in our back pocket with that Exchangeagram.
- Just let it marinate. - Oh, we're holding four aces.
Stop saying no before you give it a chance.
Oh, yeah, that's a winner. Here we go.
Time to light it up forever
- and never go to sleep. - Let's go.
Can we talk about this "online, on the line" thing?
Please? We're gonna follow the morons?
♪ Lookin' at, lookin' at, lookin' at me ♪
♪ Look at that, look at how they lookin' at me ♪
♪ Eyes all sticky like honey on bees ♪
♪ Yeah, uh, uh Look at that, look at how they lookin' at me... ♪
Eh...
Oh, xièxie!
My friend here says there's
a dance club down the street that's supposed to be great.
- You're shitting me. - No, I shit you not.
Come on, let's hit it.
♪ Driving my car to a foreign place ♪
♪ Lookin' at me, now they know my face ♪
♪ We want it all now, we got it all ♪
♪ Yes, look at that, look at how they lookin' at ♪
♪ Look at how they lookin' at, look at how they lookin' at... ♪
♪ Roll that ♪
♪ Trust me, trust me ♪
♪ I'll give you one night just to love me ♪
♪ Have your man say, "Fuck me" ♪
♪ 'Cause I beat that pussy up ugly ♪
♪ Ooh... We gamblin'... ♪
Are you sure he said "dance club"?
You know, I was rocking Mandarin,
he was rocking Cantonese, something clearly got confused
in the middle, but I say, boom goes the dynamite.
Happy accident, right?
Show you to your table?
Great big world out there, my friend.
Just three inches up, I beg you.
Yeah.
Any questions?
Oh... wow.
Holy...
shit, that's deep.
All right, I think that's our cue. Here we go.
- Deal with it. - Yes.
- Come on! Wooh! - This is... this is good.
I mean, it's totally cool.
It's great.
You okay there, firecracker?
- What? Yeah. Totally. - All right.
What? This... this is my jam.
- I mean, this... this here is my shit. - No, look, I know
this is your shit, but look, if you don't
want to be here, I'll go grab those guys
by their little boners, and we'll drag them,
we'll all go back on the bus.
- Yeah, we can... - No, no, no, don't do that, don't do that.
It's just, um...
I've only read about this stuff, okay?
Craigslist casual encounters. Twilight fan fiction. Hentai.
What's Hentai?
Japanese comic books where the women
get penetrated by octopus tentacles.
- Oh. Ah. - Look,
it's just...
I have imagined... everything.
It's just I've... I've never done... anything.
Hey, listen,
your secret's safe with us.
And for what it's worth,
your imagination is so wild,
reality's gonna be a breeze, if not a letdown.
Thanks.
Show you to your table, cutie?
♪ I'd rather lose it all than take it home without you ♪
♪ Roll that ♪
♪ Roll the dice. ♪
Get in here!
Let's go! It's about time
this group had a night. Let the good times roll!
Bingo...! Here you go!
- Bottoms up, Yo-Yo. - Oh, I can't.
I can't.
What? You're 21, right?
Yeah, but my Mom says alcohol numbs the brain.
Look, I'm not saying a shot of Tequila's
the first step on the journey to self-respect,
but goddamn, maybe it's a step in the right direction.
Maybe?
Your call.
One shot.
- Wooh! All right! That-a-boy! - One shot!
- Yeah! - Bang it, Yo!
- Let's go, baby! - Yeah! That's it, baby!
To the night you'll never remember!
- Yeah! - He's getting down, people!
One more!
Look what we got cooking here. Ready?
Exchangeagram moment, bitches!
Ready for your first lap dance, Professor?
Are you kidding? Yo-Yo stays ready.
That way, he doesn't have
- to get ready. - This is Tapioca.
She's studying to be a dental assistant.
Enjoy!
It happens all the time.
Some would say it's the point.
It's all good.
You might want to double up on the underwear next time.
♪ Make that body work, make that body work... ♪
I got to tell you,
the reboot time is impressive.
Trifecta.
- Cheers, bud. - Hey, cheers. Cheers.
♪ Hot thing, hot thing, hot thing What's up with it? ♪
♪ Hot thing, hot thing What's up with it? ♪
♪ What's up with it? Shorty got a body that jeans can't hold ♪
♪ And she movin' like she learn everything from the pole ♪
♪ And she love to party, number one hobby ♪
♪ Out till the morning, better ask somebody ♪
♪ Yo, talk to the girl, don't fool around ♪
♪ Yo oh. Watch what happen to you when she hear the sound ♪
♪ Yo oh. Tell her shake it up, tell her hit the ground ♪
♪ Yo oh. Gonna face time, see if she's down... ♪
No way. Hi.
Is that your dance teacher from back at Google?
Go talk to her.
Yeah, for shizzle, you know,
I just go up and I'm, like,
Yo, you want to join the Lyle-High Club?
You know, Lyle, sometimes the most radical move
is just to be yourself.
And I really like the real Lyle.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Go on, you're burning daylight.
Let's do this.
- Uh, hi. - Okay, good.
- Hi. - Hi.
Hi.
- Hi. - Hi.
You were really good up there.
I mean, that was amaz... I...
Not in... not in, like, a sexual way.
Well, kind of in a sexual way.
It was... you're very talented.
Everything you do is special,
is what I'm saying.
I'm just... I'm so embarrassed.
What? You're embar... Are you kidding?
Now we're even, because dancing
in your class at Google was one of the most
embarrassing moments of m'life.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, I don't remember anything specifically awful.
Oh, poop. You don't remem... you don't...
Well, then that means we're not even, and...
there's only one very unfortunate way to fix that.
Oh.
Okay, yes, all right,
that is burned in my memory. You can stop now.
How about I stop...
- if and only if... - Yes?
I can buy you a drink?
I would love that.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Shots?
- Yes. Shots. - Shots.
♪ I can fuck you ♪
♪ Better, better, better, better ♪
♪ Better, better ♪
♪ I can fuck you ♪
♪ Hey, I heard you were a wild one ♪
♪ Wild one, wild one, ooh ♪
♪ Oh, I like crazy, foolish, stupid ♪
♪ Party going wild, fist-pumping music... ♪
I love teaching at Google,
but it's only part-time, and it doesn't cover
my tuition, so I augment.
No, don't augment, You look perfect
- the way you are. - Aw.
- Thanks. - Could I get a dance?
- Not now. - Look, bitch, I don't know
who you think this geek is,
but I spend a shitload of dinerin this place
and I expect to nut.
Yeah, I know, I'm totally a geek, Biff Tannen. Huh?
Who's Biff Tannen?
You're, um, Biff from Back to the Future, right?
- You want to take this outside? - No, I think I'd rather
stay here and talk to the pretty girl.
- Yeah, well, let's rock, not talk. - Hey, man...
- Stop it. - Hey, is there a problem here?
It looks like somebody needs their two way older brothers
to fight for them, huh?
Oh, and it's the United Colors of Nerd.
Do all you guys work together?
I'm gonna out on a limb and say it's a tech company.
Free cereal and ugly people?
Oh, whoa! Hey!
Come on, take it easy.
Is this the Jets and the Sharks?
So why don't you guys head that way,
we'll head this way, and never the twain shall meet.
Have a great night.
That's a good idea.
My mother hits harder than you!
Yeah! Down goes Frazier! Wooh!
What's up! Oh, shit!
See you again! I'll kill you!
Hide your kids! Hide your wife!
That's how you party!
We're too hot to party.
That's why they got to kick us out.
'Cause they're gonna call the fire department.
Why don't you bring it outside to party?
No more fun. Come on.
Look at that view.
Come on, you're not gonna see that
on your little four-inch screen.
- You got to look up. - Yeah.
Okay, buddy, you were an animal out there tonight.
Right. No, you were.
Did you have a good time?
- Yeah, it was all right. - It was all right.
Why do you do that?
What do you mean? Do what?
Lowball me like that.
Come on, I'm not gonna take away your
"cool guy" card if you admit you give a shit
about something or, God forbid, you had a great time.
Um...
all right, it was fun.
Stewie...
- What? - Come on.
All right, what? What do you want me to say,
it was the best night of my life?
Only if it's true.
All right, it was the best night of my life.
My Noogler!
- Come here! - My Noogler.
Wow, I don't believe there hasn't been one boyfriend
- along the way. - Nope.
That's embarrassing.
Well, it's nothing to be embarrassed of.
You got plenty of time for that.
I mean, you're the whole package.
You're beautiful,
you're smart, you got great teeth.
You do.
Unbelievable chompers on the old girl, I mean it.
For sure. And, uh...
terrific shoes. I'm always excited
to see what kind of getup you're gonna throw together.
- That part's true. - Well, it is true.
A lot of great things going.
Some guy's gonna find himself very lucky
to be next to you.
Yeah, I'm not so sure.
Well, I am. And I've been around a little bit.
I'm positive.
♪ Hot thing, hot thing ♪
♪ Hot thing, what up with it, hot thing ♪
- ♪ What up with it, hot thing... ♪ - Lyle!
Looks like you hit it off with Saffron tonight.
I'm texting her that I love her,
and I'm sending her this picture I just took
of little Lyle when he made pee in the bushes.
- Look, he's winking. - No, Lyle, Lyle, Lyle,
That's a horrible idea.
Please don't do that. You're drunk off your ass.
I appreciate your concern,
but I'm flying, baby.
Okay, Lyle, you're not flying.
What's 17 squared?
289. Why?
Give me a harder question than that.
You know where I'm driving with this.
Try, uh, maybe square root of 17.
Like, 4.23, maybe?
That's the app.
That's the app we should do right there.
- What? - Some quiz question you got to answer
before you can send a drunk text or a drunk e-mail or phone call,
something to protect you from yourself.
That's good. Can we do that?
- Hells, yeah, we could do that. - Are you shitting me?
I could program the shit out of that bitch
- on the bus ride home. - Well, I'll take that
as an overwhelming yes, then! Come on!
- Let's get back to HQ! - Hey, wait, wait.
Let's-let's stay, like, five minutes, you know?
Just enjoy the view a little more.
All right.
Yeah?
Wow. Yeah.
Oh, the whole world looks like
a giant pinwheel of death right now.
Price of making memories, Stewie.
I think my liver hurts.
Astonishingly, your app
received ten times more downloads
than any other team's.
It appears that you have won
your first challenge.
How about it?
- Congratulations. - Oh, yeah!
- Come on, baby. - The lead!
Oh, easy there, big guy.
He gets overexcited.
Lovely.
Let it out.
Let it out, little feller.
That's what I'm talking about. Right there!
Yeah! Right there!
♪ Whoa, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh. All right!
♪ Whoa, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh ♪
♪ She's coming home to me ♪
♪ Because I said ♪
♪ "I'm lonely, darling, please" ♪
♪ But instead of waiting... ♪
You got it, you got it, you got it,
you got it, you got it.
Keep going. Come on. Come on, Neha.
You got it, you got it.
♪ Whoa, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh ♪
♪ Whoa, oh-oh... ♪
♪ Whoa, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh ♪
♪ Whoa, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh... ♪
Logan, I'd have Jean...
Our Professor X was way meaner than this guy.
You're not kidding.
It wasn't funny at the time.
♪ Whoa, oh-oh ♪
♪ Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh ♪
♪ Whoa, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh... ♪
So, you see, what I'm doing right now
is I'm supercharging my CSS and HTML skills,
'cause you can do them both simultaneously.
HTML5, right?
That's one step beyond the HTML5 that they mentioned the other day
- with the CSS3, remember? - No.
Guys, when it comes to writing code,
you've got your choice of a number of editors.
Editors such as Emacs, nano and vi...
What? What does that mean?
Have features like syntax highlighting
and syntax specific autocomplete.
Any questions?
It occurred to me, why not use Emacs rather than vi
as the default editor for Ubuntu?
That's actually... a very good thought, Nick.
Thank you.
Vi versus Emacs is a constant debate.
Moving on...
Let's talk integrated personal development.
♪ Whoa, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh. Oh, I love you
♪ Whoa, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh. Oh, I love you.
Sammy.
What, did you forget an insult?
Billy, you magnificent son of a bitch.
How's unemployment? Listen.
I want you two to come work for me.
Sammy, my boy, I thought you retired.
I did, Nicky, I did, but I have stumbled
onto King Solomon's Mines, my friends.
Two words: Motorized scooters.
Head down to Modesto.
Start checking out the old-age homes.
Ah, Sammy, we already have the gig here.
Whoa, whoa... We got a new gig.
Yeah, we're interns at Google.
Interns at Google?
Who are you kidding?
You're salesmen.
This is a sales gig.
- It's a job. - Sammy, we've had lots of jobs.
We're trying to build a future here.
And I'm trying to get hard on my own,
but the Cialis is a guarantee.
You finish up with this "internship,"
who knows what's going to happen?
Exactly. Who knows what's going to happen?
That's what I'm saying. Why are you repeating
- what I'm saying? - Shh. Time for baby to go night-night.
No. What? You're... Billy, you're cutting out.
That felt great.
You know what? I'll catch up with you later, okay?
All right. I'll see you in a bit.
You know, if this is being a workaholic,
maybe I should get a glass.
I have 15 minutes until my next meeting.
Okay, well, here's the thing.
You know how we were talking about regret and...
I remember you talking about regret.
Well, I don't want to add
"not asking you out" to that list,
because that credit card is maxed out.
Okay, so can we establish
you are, in fact, asking me out on a date?
Yes. And I figure that I'm such a Mountain of mistakes
that going out with me just once this evening
will be like packing ten years
of bad experiences into, you know, one night.
Okay. Fine.
- Yes? - I'm saying yes.
- Great. Great. Okay. - I'm in.
- All right. Yeah. - Well, I'll leave you to it.
- Okay. Tonight. Yes. - Good. Okay.
Hello, William.
I've been watching you.
You should choose your words
a little more carefully in a bathhouse.
In the words of Nelly...
"It's getting hot in herre."
It's getting hot out there, too.
You definitely got my attention.
All right... I'm feeling like I want to go put my robe on now.
Enough to do a little research on you.
What did we find out?
Let's see.
Your, uh... your company was shut down.
Your home was foreclosed upon.
Your credit score is actually negative.
That's kind of amazing, Billy.
That's hard to do.
You try hard, McMahon.
I'll give you that.
But things never quite work out for you, do they?
So, I could waste my energy trying to beat you,
but it seems, given enough time, you always find a way to fail.
I just need to get out of your way.
So this is me going.
Only two challenges remain,
after which a mere handful of you
will be offered full-time employment.
Now, the next challenge is Manning the Google helpline.
This is one of the most difficult jobs we have-
combining both customer relations
and product fluency.
You will be judged on both.
This is a very tight race right now.
I suggest you study up.
All right. Let's drill it and kill it.
Authorization failure with Google Drive. Neha.
Permission's probably changed.
- Request document access. - Bam!
Chrome connectivity issue. Nick.
Unselect proxy server for your LAN.
Nice.
Billy, I'm locked out of my Google Wallet account.
Is that under Gmail or Wallet Help?
"Uh, I don't know, sir.
That's kind of what I called you for." - Right.
Here's the deal. I'm pretty terrific on the phones.
I could sell prosciutto to a rabbi, and I have.
Except you're not here to sell anything.
Yeah, Billy, you're not going to be able
to bullshit your way through this one.
I mean, the only way to nail this challenge is to study.
You just... you just got to do it, man.
Well, great. Then study up is what I'm going to do.
I'm going to study up.
Let me ask you, is there, like, as a General rule,
like, a blanket statement
I could say that could apply
to literally anything?
And then I'm either going to shove
product down their face, right,
or I'm going to give them another hotline?
What you are exactly is tech support.
So, if you referred them to another
phone number, what would happen
is that your phone would ring again,
'cause you'd be the number that they were referring to.
What I'm suggesting is give me the blanket thing
where I'm not necessarily wrong, I'm not necessarily right,
and then I'll either hit them with another helpline,
a real helpline, or I'll push some product on them.
You want me to shove some product down their throat?
- 'Cause I'll do it. - Full disclosure:
I think you're working harder than you have to.
All you have to do is click the button and read.
I got it.
Bam. Done. Read it.
I got it. I'll do it.
That's my man, Bill. All right.
- It's going to be fine. - You'll get it.
How's everybody else doing?
Yeah, I'm good. Okay.
Nick Is it just me,
or is this food incredible, right?
You're a liar.
What do you mean?
You were supposed to be an asshole.
Come on.
You were supposed to pack a decade worth
of jerks and bad dates into one night.
- Yeah. - Remember?
All right, now I remember. Yes.
But so far,
you've been... totally fine.
Totally fine?
- Yeah. - Wha-wha.
No, I have dropped the ball.
I did promise that, and I haven't delivered.
You know what? Can we get the check, please?
May we get the check when you get a chance, Jennifer?
How'd you know my...?
Well, it says right here on this little necklace.
And now that I got the name, how about the number?
Ah... I'm just kidding.
Or maybe I'm not kidding.
You're so cute.
So beautiful. Wow.
Did you just hit on the waitress?
I did. Yes, yes.
The lady asked for a jerk,
and I am trying to live up to my promise.
I said ten years of assholes,
so, you know, you got some ground to cover.
You know what? I think you've had enough dessert.
I've been watching you eat all night.
Okay, let me take care of this,
because you've got to watch your figure.
And you're right on the borderline.
You know what they say:
"A moment on the lips, forever on the hips," right?
Mmm, this is divine.
Oh, you do not know what you are missing.
- It's incredible. - That's nice. That's nice.
But here's something you aren't missing-this check.
Because I got the cab, so there you go.
Oh.
Jennifer.
- Bullshit! - Right?
Wow, a little heart and everything.
Huh. Now, why don't you take care of that?
Because the night is still young.
I'm taking you to see some dogfighting.
Yes, I am.
Rock and roll. I think we're up to five years.
Yeah.
All right.
Oh... yeah, let me get this.
Oh, that's a... that's amazing.
Okay...
In Gmail, a 'bad request' message shows if...
Shows if...
Your Internet is down.
Son of a bitch.
- It shows... - Jesus Christ!
You scared the shit out of me!
If your browser has a bad or outdated cookie.
- Wait, you could... with...? - Hmm?
Yes.
I can hear everything.
I'm... I'm not actually listening to anything.
This allows me to be with myself.
I'm not very good with other humans.
Well, I'm not very good with Gmail Support.
No, actually,
you're quite horrible.
You can do this.
This can be learned.
But those kids,
the way that they look at you. You have... a way with people.
That's a lost art.
Go again. Go again.
In Chrome...
For you, this is like
teaching a little kid the alphabet, right?
No, actually, it's like teaching a kid a letter.
- Just one letter. - Yeah.
Yeah, you're not... your strong point
would not be communicating to humans.
I know.
All right, that was my guy. All right.
Give it to me straight. I like it.
- No chaser. - We're having fun.
I am. I hope you are.
Well, thank you.
That was, uh, really awful.
Oh, you're welcome.
I aim to please.
I told you I was going to deliver
on ten years of assholes,
and I think I did a pretty good job.
It was almost a little bit too convincing at times.
Was it?
Mm-hmm. - That doesn't surprise me.
When you've been out there
running and gunning for as long as I have,
you learn to play the game.
Oh. I'd be out there laying my rap.
I'd have girls literally thinking
I was an astronomer.
I'd be pointing out constellations
and harvest moons.
"Oh, there's Pluto over there."
And then they'd start
to fact-check you with the Internet.
Oh.
You know, Google has singlehandedly
cut into my ability to bullshit.
- Cramping your style? - Big-time.
Making you a better person?
Yeah.
True. 90% Google...
ten percent you.
Just ten percent? Really?
Let's call it 20%.
Come on.
You know, I, um...
I really didn't expect to like you.
I didn't think you'd like me, either.
Thank you.
That was my ride home.
I know.
Good morning.
Welcome to the Google helpline.
You will man the phones for exactly one hour.
Now, before you begin...
I'm so ready for this thing.
I was up all last night studying.
This is where Team Lyle takes the lead.
Icon, accessing your account
so that we can review your work later.
The helpline... is open now.
Google helpline. My name's Billy.
- How can I help you? - Google helpline. This is Nick.
Great, so you're saying that you're locked out of your Gmail.
Hello to you.
Well, the good news is Uncle Bill here
happens to keep a key under the mat.
But I'm going to play a hunch here.
Delete all your cookies.
Did that work?
Great. Glad I could help.
Yeah, what it is, is you probably just have
too many Gmails open at the same time.
You want to try to go ahead and close a couple
of those down and see if that does the...?
Okay, great. Thank you so much.
- Call with anything else. - This is Neha.
How can I help you? It's not a problem.
You're going to click on the gear icon,
then settings, then advanced settings.
Yeah, you can actually have the same tabs open
- across all your devices. - Yeah.
So the browser windows keep on opening,
and then you're telling me that that's from Amazon?
Your computer's got malware. Use an antivirus software.
But here's what I want to do. I want to help you clear that up
before the wife gets home. Am I making sense?
Okay, you're going to want to sign in to Google Wallet.
Update your credit card expiration date.
That's the problem. Well, the calendar
sync issue pops up when you switch time zones.
Are you on vacation?
Miami. Very nice.
Well, let's get your browser cache cleared up,
and then I'm going to talk you
through the best Cuban spots in town there.
Google helpline. This is Graham. How can I help you?
Okay, your device probably isn't compatible with Google Play.
And I want to have you out there salsa-ing, sweating and grinding
up against a complete stranger that you don't even know,
having a pretty good time doing some wrong things.
Are we on the same page?
Okay, see that box at the bottom of your window?
Click that twice for me.
♪ Come on, baby, let me hear you do that conga ♪
♪ You know you can't control any longer ♪
Time's up.
So soon? Man, I was just
getting warmed up here.
- Good going here. - Is smoke coming off this thing?
Come on, Ladybug.
Nice.
Please submit your log files so that I may review
your work later. All right.
Happily. Just click the Blue button.
Where's that at?
Click the Blue button, upper left.
Mine's not Blue. Mine's gray.
Up in the corner. It's not... I can't click it.
What? No, no, the Blue one.
Mine wasn't clicking. Mine's gray.
Is anyone else's gray?
Did you not hear my opening remarks?
Yeah, no, I heard most of your opening remarks.
It's just, I was... I was getting in the zone.
- I was pre-gaming it. - I was very clear
that you had to log into your account
so that I could review your work later.
Well, the good news
is that you reviewed my work now.
You-you don't need the instant replay
because you saw the touchdown live, in person.
I don't really understand that analogy,
but I do know that attention to detail
is of Paramount importance here
and my instructions were explicit.
Now, if there's no recording,
then it's as if you didn't even show up today.
Except I did show up.
I'm-I'm sitting right here, Chetty.
Well, according to your log, you're not.
And since every intern must complete the challenge
in order for your team to be scored...
your team
will unfortunately receive a score of zero.
Zero?
Well done, Mr. McMahon.
Perhaps more studying, less pudding.
- Hmm? - Chetty, come on.
You're not going to trip us with a technicality.
He's right here.
Oh, Billy, Billy, Billy, what have you done?
It's you lot I feel bad for.
It's really hard to get here.
Some of you are probably pretty intelligent.
You deserve better.
I'm sorry.
It's all right, El Niño.
We'll get 'em.
I studied for the test. I studied for...
Well, that's great.
That's another win for Team Graham.
There's only one challenge left.
Even if we're perfect, it won't be enough.
We had 'em, too.
We did, but, you know, it's just
a little hiccup, a little adversity, all right?
No, Nick, come on.
Face it. Look, Billy's a great guy
and everything, but he kind of blew it for us today.
Yeah, I know... The kids are right, Nick.
I just wanted to...
come by and let you guys know
that I... I did study last night.
I tried my best.
It's just, uh, you know, today on the phones,
I just... it's my fault.
And, uh...
He was right when he said that you guys deserve better.
I'm really sorry that I cost you.
Damn.
Billy, would you stop?
Let me go, Nick. I'm not helping anybody here.
What do you mean, you're not helping anybody?
You're helping those kids.
What are you doing?
Where are you going?
What, you're going to go radio silence on me?
Come on, I'm not going to let you
ride away from the Garden of Eden.
I let down the team, Nick.
You didn't let down the team.
And who cares if you made a mistake?
Nick, I'm not taking everyone down with me.
Billy, let me turn these high beams on you.
Give me a chance to turn you with a sports metaphor.
Damn it, Nick,
it's the best thing for everybody!
Stop dragging me down with all your horseshit, man.
You're doing great here, okay?
I'm not. I got it.
Just get off my back.
How dare you. How dare you.
Shame on you!
Put this badge back on!
If you're going to quit, quit,
but don't give me this crap about it's better for the team.
Come on, Billy.
Randy?
So, I'm, uh, Billy McMahon.
Sammy sent me down here. I'm the new salesman.
Well, no shit.
My new partner.
Ladies and gentlemen, it has been
an impressive summer.
And one final challenge remains.
Sales.
Over a million companies advertise with Google.
Find one that doesn't.
Convince them.
The bigger the sale,
the more chance you have of taking this competition.
The winner will be announced
at our final meeting this afternoon.
Good luck.
Happy hunting!
On me.
Sales, son!
Man, those other bitches are going down!
Wait, where's Billy?
He left.
- What? - You heard him.
He thought he was holding us back,
and he didn't want to talk about it, that's for sure.
We got to get him back.
She's right, we're all a team- that's what you guys taught us.
I mean, it might have been buried
under, like, a Mountain of obscure '80s references
and just, you know, a ton
of other super inappropriate bullshit
that I guess was intended as life lessons,
but, I mean, you did teach us
how to come together, Nick.
You taught us that.
The problem is, when he makes up
his mind on something, ol' Billy has a tendency
to really dig in.
We might have to get ready
to do this one without him.
Yeah, but, Nick, we wouldn't want to.
Right, guys?
Hey, Tony!
Slow it down, man.
I'm just kidding.
How long you been working this territory?
Three years.
It's great, though, you know.
You get to build a relationship with the customer.
And then they die.
Suddenly you're reselling
scooters with 25, 35 miles on them, tops.
Everybody wins.
Hey, hey!
Look who's back!
- Hey, Randy! - Randy! How are you?
How's it going, old-timer?
Hey, Randy.
What do you want?
Treat them like shit.
Only makes them want you more.
Hey, everybody! Listen up!
- This is my new tail gunner, Billy. - Hi.
Billy, why don't you tell them about that, uh,
sweet ride you just pulled up on?
Oh, you mean the, uh, brand-new X-70.
It's got an eight-hour motor.
And it's got a rear-mounted stainless sleeve
for your oxy tank.
You have no idea how much boning
goes on in this place.
It's amazing.
Check this one out.
Ethel. That's her name.
She calls my junk "the cocoon."
Says it makes her feel younger.
Actually lowered her blood pressure.
I'm not fighting it.
I'm a life-giver and a lovemaker.
Ethel! Ethel!
What's up, girl?!
Look who's back!
- Come here, boo. - Oh...
Who's your friend? Well, hello there.
Billy!
What the hell are you doing here?
Billy.
Hi.
Ethel and, uh, Doris here
tell me they're up for a little group play.
Can I count you in?
What the shit?
Uh, I'm sorry, Randy. This is my old partner.
This is Nick.
Nick, this is... this is my new partner.
This is Randy.
Welcome to the jungle, ese.
What do you say, Billy?
Can I count you in?
Mind giving me just a second here?
No problem.
What the hell are you doing?
New partner, huh?
I'm a salesman, Nick, I sell things.
Yeah, I remember another guy who was selling some things,
plying the mattress trade, when in walks this behemoth-
big guy, big mouth, big dream-
and he made this old son of a gun remember
there's still some dreams floating around out there.
It's not too late.
You just got to reach out and grab them.
Damn it, Nick, I reached for my dreams.
Why don't you just leave it alone?
I messed it up for everybody.
You forgot to click a button!
You're not a computer wizard.
All right?
You're also not a pussy.
You're tough. You grew up in the '70s.
Remember what that was like?
There weren't any computers.
Just like we didn't have bike helmets
or sunscreens or seat belts.
Did you wear a seat belt?
No.
What was your seat belt?
My Mom would go like this.
Yeah. It was your Mom going like that.
And how'd that work out?
You know, I went through the windshield.
89 stitches.
Made you look like a little bad-ass
all of third grade.
And were you afraid to get back in that station wagon?
Nah. Five years later,
you took out that very same car without permission from nobody.
Not your parents, not Old Man Law.
It was just you and Sally Moran parked at the point,
finger-blasting away.
Didn't even know if you were doing it right.
Nick, wh-where you going with this thing?
I'm saying life is that station wagon.
All right?
And yeah, sometimes it's gonna
throw you through the windshield,
crack your skull wide open, maybe even break your heart.
But every once in a while,
it's gonna drop a Sally Moran in your backseat.
Now, we came to Google for a reason, right?
I can't promise we're gonna win,
but we're going back there,
and we're gonna see those kids, and we're gonna see it through.
You get your ass back in that car,
and you ride.
You hear me, Billy Bojangles McMahon?
Ride.
Contextual targeting
technology can
automatically match, um, your ads to,
web pages, uh,
that are most relevant to your business.
Yo-Yo?
Review ad performance
- to see impressions, - Mmm.
Click, cost and conversion data.
Look, you seem like good kids,
and I appreciate you stopping by,
but we're just a family-run business.
We don't do the Internet.
Thanks for coming.
Frankie will get you a slice on the way out.
Oi, oi.
Oh, great.
Lovely.
This guy.
Saw you checked in here on Foursquare.
Thought we'd stop by.
That's really creepy.
Is that all?
It is all, actually.
We just closed a sale
at a coffee shop down the street.
Your chances of catching up to us
just went from zero to piss-all.
Now, if you'll excuse us,
we've got to get to the final meeting.
Get these jobs of which we're so profoundly deserving.
Zach?
Eyes off the pizza, mate.
God made you lactose intolerant for a reason, yeah?
You're so fat.
Let's go!
All right, on me!
What a douche!
Guys.
Welcome back, Billy boy.
Good to be with you.
What happened there?
Uh, well, he didn't bite, so it did not go well.
You know who else it didn't go well for?
Lay it on us, big Daddy.
That's right,
the little steel town girl Alex.
When she finally got her shot in front of
all those stuffed shirts, she took a tumble and fell.
You want to hear something totally nuts?
She picked herself back up, she tightened that little ass,
and she pumped her legs, and she danced herself
right back into their hearts
and into a slot at that dance school.
And that's what we're gonna do.
Tighten your asses. Let's go.
Get her done, boys.
Listen, guys, we've always done things the same way:
Yellow Pages, flyers, San Jose Mercury News.
Now, look, we're all
creatures of habit, am I right, Sal?
I mean, we all like what we know.
There's no question about it.
But you know what the scariest thing in life is?
- Mmm. - The thing in life
that frightens us the most?
Change.
Yeah. And by the way, I think
most people are guilty of getting set in their ways.
I know I need change to come along
and give me a little kick in the ass to get me moving.
All right, listen, guys, I know where you're going.
But I'm not gonna change anything.
Like I already told your friends, we're getting by okay.
Sal, with all due respect, if you fight for your limitations,
you get to keep them.
Do you hear yourself? You're getting by okay.
- "Okay"? I mean, Jesus! - "Okay" isn't good.
I mean, "okay" isn't great.
I'm starting to think this guy's selfish.
"Okay" isn't fantastic!
Look, I don't want to get sideways with you.
You're as big as a barn.
He looks like he was carved out
of a damn Mountain, for God's sakes.
But you're an artist, okay?
This is great pizza!
Picasso with pepperoni!
And, hey, stop it, do not even
get me started on the sauce.
I mean, is there nutmeg in there?
- Something. - So look-it, I can
respect the fact that you don't want to divulge,
but if I'm right, don't say anything.
- Exactly! - There's your answer!
There's your answer! Sal, come on.
All I'm saying is, why should Papa John's make all the dough,
when Papa Sal's got the better sauce?
You know what?
Now you're starting to sound like him.
He wants to open up a Sal's in Los Gatos.
The bigger chains are killing us.
We're barely staying afloat.
When you franchise, you lose quality.
You lose the taste that people trust.
You want to know why my sauce is better?
I'll tell you why.
'Cause I go down to the farmers' market every day,
I buy them tomatoes myself.
I walk down the street, I get the basil, the oregano.
Look, guys, I know these people.
I'm part of the fabric of this neighborhood.
That's good enough for me.
Sal, that's better than good enough.
That's the best.
And we're not suggesting
that you abandon the neighborhood here.
All we're saying is,
what if your neighborhood got a little bit bigger?
Take a look at this, Sal.
These are all just people that love your pizza.
- Talk about word of mouth, huh? - Yeah, they're talking
about you, Sal, Don't you want to talk back to them?
Did you know there are
almost as many people from Los Gatos
searching for Sal's as there are from Palo Alto?
Yeah, and they pop in
when they're in town, but if there was
a location closer to them, they'd be regulars, right?
Boom. Check it out right here.
I found a great commercial spot right on Los Gatos Boulevard.
- Just hit the market. - That's 0.3 miles away
from the nearest farmers' market.
You can smell them tomatoes from your front door.
Farm to table.
- F to T, baby! - Baby.
- Come on. - F to T!
F to T is exactly right, Gomer Lyle!
We're not asking you to abandon the artistry.
We're just telling you expand the reach a little bit.
But look-it, Sal, at the end of the day,
the kids, they got their computers,
they got their information.
It's all accurate.
I get it, and I know you do, too.
I tell you, Sal,
I can't blame you for being a little afraid.
Hell, we were scared for a long time out there,
grinding it out with our heads down.
And Lord knows I've fallen
on my ass more than a time or two.
But I promise you something.
You lift your head up...
and take a breath,
there's a lot of great possibilities out there.
New customers,
new franchise and that's just the tip of the iceberg, Sal.
It's all waiting at the click of a button.
Everybody's searching for something, Sal.
They're searching for you.
We just want to help them find you.
TGIF, Nooglers!
All right!
Easy, easy.
It's okay, it's okay.
Now, today marks not only the end of the week,
but the end of the summer's internships.
I know.
As you can see through these images behind me,
it's been quite a journey.
Lot of memories,
lot of bonds were made.
Kind of reminds me of the first time
I owned a personal... All right.
Today, we reveal the intern team that will be awarded jobs here.
Sadly, one team
has not returned from their final challenge,
so, therefore, I'm forced to calculate the results
with their score
as an incomplete.
We have a Victor.
Congratulations...
No way!
What's that?
What's going on?
♪ What a feeling ♪
♪ I am music now ♪
♪ Being's believing ♪
Okay, calm down. Come on.
♪ Pictures come alive ♪
♪ You can dance right through your life ♪
♪ Take your passion ♪
♪ And make it happen ♪
♪ Pictures come alive ♪
♪ You can dance right through your life ♪
Yes!
- ♪ What a feeling. - Nice!
♪ What a feeling ♪
Come on!
♪ Pictures come alive ♪
♪ You can dance... ♪
Extra toppings on this one, boss.
I see that.
♪ What a feeling ♪
♪ I can really have it all ♪
♪ What a feeling... ♪
Yeah!
That's enough!
Yes, lovely theatrics,
but the jig is up.
It's too late.
Rules are rules, right, Chetty?
Yes. Rules are rules.
And the rules state that every team has the right
until the announcement is made to turn in their sales.
- So, in spite of - Yes!
your lack of punctuality, which is astounding,
I have no choice...
but to accept this submission and to recalculate.
Go ahead.
Recalculate.
One sale to a small family pizza joint's
not gonna make a difference anyway.
It does seem that Mr. Hawtrey is correct once again.
Boom.
- Oh. - The sales from one shop
on the last challenge are not enough to put you in the lead.
I'm sorry, bud.
But...
this is not one shop.
You see,
this... is a blossoming franchise
with endless possibilities, thanks to you.
And what you have done as a team
is connect to people
and connect those people to information.
Which is what we do.
And more than that,
you had the courage to dream.
In spite of your obvious
and astonishing limitations,
you never gave up on that dream.
No.
So...
gentlemen...
and lady...
Whoa... Hold on.
Chetty, no offense, you're a glorified babysitter.
Let's get somebody down here who actually means something.
I'm right here.
Terrific.
Graham, please meet Mr. Anderson.
You know this guy?
I should think I do.
Andrew here is the Head of Search.
A rather important position here at Google.
Honest, it's an honor.
Look at you, Headphones.
A little mystery behind the boy.
What? How do you know him?
We were encouraged to reach out to experienced Googlers.
Pretty simple. Not a big mystery.
To reach out to other Googlers, not just kiss their asses.
You see, these interns are
smart, collaborative, pretty...
Thank you.
And just weird enough
to make them interesting.
Also, they came together as a team
to do something here.
Their Googliness is truly off the charts.
Oh, my God, can you stop with the "Googliness"?
Like, what does that even mean?
The fact that you don't know what it means
is why you will never work here.
Also, you just made me use a bunch of words
in front of a ton of people.
Look at me.
You're a real dick for doing that.
Look at me again.
And I know your accent is bullshit.
What?
So...
Welcome to Google.
Yes! Yes!
Yes!
Boom!
I have a job! I have a job!
Hey, why are you getting up?
I should be the winner. I should be the winner!
Well, I hope you're all happy.
What were you thinking?
Maybe if I had a team of equals who contributed once in a while,
this never would have happened.
What about you? What do you have to say for yourself, eh?
Huh?
I think it's time to fake an injury.
What are you talking about, you fat...
Man down!
Chetty, I appreciate what you said back there.
I know you had us figured wrong from the beginning.
He voted for you from the beginning.
What?
Mr. Chetty was the deciding vote on the intern committee.
I didn't have a fancy education
like most of the people here.
I had to work hard to get to where I am.
And I recognized a similar tenacity
in you two gentlemen, so I took a chance on you.
You did test my faith a few times.
Basically, the entire time.
But I'm glad you proved me right.
Chetty, thanks for betting on us.
Good to see you.
Hey.
So it looks like you're gonna be seeing
a lot more of me around here.
So it does.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
Look, the other night...
It was fun.
Yeah, it was fun.
Right?
Yeah.
No regrets.
No.
All right, let's get to that warm, fuzzy part.
Um, that's not going to happen.
God, I love him even more.
He leaves it cold like that. You know what I mean?
You keep playing hard to get,
you're gonna find yourself all alone.
We're not gonna have a beer together.
We're gonna have about five of them.
- We're equals now, my friend. - No, we're not.
Yes, we are.
- No, we're not. - Let's go pick out
some other interns and shape some diamonds in the rough.
Please stop following me. Please stop talking to me.
We're gonna get drunk.
Have a great senior year, guys.
We'll keep your desk chairs warm for you.
Team Lyle.
Team Lyle!
That's the spirit.
Yo-Yo! Come. Now.
Mom, I need a minute.
Yo-Yo, I not go. We need to... - Mom.
I'm saying good-bye to my friends.
I'm taking a minute.
Okay?
Look who grew an eyebrow, Yo-Yo!
Come on!
All right, you riffraff, get out of here.
- See you down the road. - See you guys.
- See you, bud. - Thank you, Captain.
Thank you, Big B.
Bye, guys.
- My Khaleesi. - My sun and stars.
What do you say? You want to go get weird in a nap pod?
So, um, don't be a stranger.
Shoot me a text sometime.
Forget that.
I'm gonna come see you in person.
Yeah, I'd like that.
Hey, guys, I grew a pair of balls.
- Did you see them? - You did!
- You grew a big pair of balls, my man. - It was amazing.
- They're touching my ankles. - Okay.
Well, that... we don't need that.
Hey, congratulations, guys.
- Thank you, boss. - Thank you, boss.
You know, I did get you a little something.
Aw.
Not to get too sentimental...
Whoa! Whoa!
Look at this high roller.
Busting out the Pappy on me.
I figured we earned a swig.
Mm-hmm.
Hell of a summer, bud.
Hell of a summer.
♪ Doo wacko ♪
♪ Here's to you, honey ♪
♪ But I'm out of your league ♪
♪ You're never gonna pass me ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm out ♪ ♪ of your league ♪
♪ Your league, your league ♪
♪ Lookie here, baby ♪
♪ You're coming my way ♪
♪ But I move like a landslide ♪
♪ So get out of my way and stay away ♪
♪ Up from the floor on the count of ten ♪
♪ Oh, you get up, you get down and you try it again ♪
♪ Up and down and around again... ♪
British.
Listen, Professor...
♪ All right ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh, ow! ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Time to learn a lesson ♪
♪ Like Pavlov's dog ♪
♪ If same-ing isn't working ♪
♪ Why don't you different instead, instead, instead? ♪
♪ Like Samson and Delilah ♪
♪ Attila and the Huns... ♪
- Buddy, they can't see us, okay? - I understand that,
- but here we go. - Go cheek to cheek.
- Just go like I tell you. - Okay, don't interrupt me.
- Put your cheek next to mine. - Yes.
- Yeah, I get it. You got us? - Hi, my name is Billy.
- Yeah, Nick Campbell. - Oh, good.
You can hear me.
♪ Oh, you get up ♪
♪ You get down and you try it again ♪
♪ Up and down and around again ♪
♪ Oh, you get up, you get down and you try it again ♪
♪ Round for round ♪
♪ Oh, you get up, you get down and you try it again ♪
♪ Hit the ground ♪
♪ Oh, you get up, you get down and you try it again ♪
♪ Oh, you get up, you get down and you try it again. ♪
Guys, hi.
Hey. So, what do you think?
- Cosplay. What can you say? - I knew you'd love it.
Stuart totally loves it, too, now.
You guys have fun. Okay, great.
Don't worry about us. We're having a great time.
Don't worry about us. We're having fun.
Uh-oh. Here we go. - Oh, hit it.
Classic Star Wars villain.
Looking on with Boba Fett. We're just observers.
- We're just here to observe. - It's me!
- Kevin. - What the shit?
- Guys. Yeah. - Kevin!
What the hell are you doing here?
Cosby. It's your first time at Cosby?
- Excuse me? - It's my new journey.
And I have you to thank.
You really pointed some things out.
I was being a jerk to people.
'Cause I was hurting inside.
Well, it takes a big man to admit he's wrong, Kevin.
Good for you.
Anyway, I'm going to dive back into the fun.
Ooh, check out this hot little number.
I don't know if it's a... Ewok or a space squirrel.
I can't wait to rip into that.
How do you know who's underneath the mask?
Look, I don't know what's underneath the hood,
and I don't give a shit.
I'm insatiable.
Now, if you excuse me, old Boba Fett's
going to give this squirrel a couple nuts to hide.
You know Boba Fett- he always fucked
the space squirrel at the end of the movie.
Audience knew it was coming.
Audience wanted it.
Audience got it.
♪ Whoa, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh ♪
♪ She's coming home to me ♪
♪ Because I said ♪
♪ "I'm lonely, darling, please" ♪
♪ But instead of waiting ♪
♪ I go flying off to you ♪
♪ Why? Well, just because ♪
♪ Whoa, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh ♪
♪ I arrive when you're gone ♪
♪ So I wait at your door ♪
♪ You pull up in some guy's car ♪
♪ Around 4:00 ♪
♪ I punch him, kiss ♪
♪ And carry you inside ♪
♪ Why? Well, just because
♪ Whoa, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, ow! ♪
♪ Oh, baby, do you like me that way? ♪
♪ There's something about you that makes me wanna say, yeah ♪
♪ I don't mind, I don't mind, I don't mind, ow! ♪
♪ Oh, baby, I like you that way ♪
♪ She's coming home to me ♪
♪ Because I said ♪
♪ "I'm lonely, darling, please" ♪
♪ But instead of waiting ♪
♪ I go flying off to you ♪
♪ Why? ♪
♪ Well, just because ♪
♪ Whoa, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh. Oh, I love you.